Who actually knows the meaning of this word?
I thought I did...turns out, I was way off base.
Miriam -Webster defines conundrum as an intricate and difficult problem.
I am in the midst of a conundrum! For some reason, over the past couple of weeks, I have been suffering with frequent panic attacks. I can't figure it out! Sure, I'm worried about the normal things poor people worry about....finances, Mark and his somewhat dangerous job, raising my daughter up to be a contributing and loving member of society....you know, normal stuff!!
I have been doing so well with improving my health and my attitude and here comes Satan, adding more gravy to my plate and it's not the fat free kind, either. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I mean old Stan does have a way of fighting hardest when a breakthrough is about to be made! When someone is about to add another brick of gold to our Heavenly Father's kingdom! I am gaining control of my mind, so that I'm turning to God instead of turning to food. I'm turning disobedience into victorious living, in the name of my Savior. So I say to you Stan, get thee behind me and just go back to the rock from which you crawled out from. In Jesus' name I warn you, get outta my way, cause my freight train is coming through.....
Panic, for me, comes on suddenly.....my heart begins to beat irregularly, it affects the way I breathe and the way I think. It takes over my mind, making me think I'm having a heart attack or helping me to believe that I am crazy, after all and what the heck kinda right does a crazy person have, living or at least trying so desperately to live, a normal life. Panic makes me want to run away and hide from the terror that's overtaken my mind....It makes me want to drop everything and flee....Luckily, they almost always happen at home, where I am contained and no one has to see me act like a complete loon....Praise the Lord for my incredibly patient husband, my loving sister and my very understanding daughter. They have held my hand through many a rough patch....More importantly, I am thankful to my friend Jesus, who hold my erratically beating human heart in Hands and the heart of my soul, close to His and whispers, 'Peace be still for I am with you'
Job 36:15-16.
But those who suffer He delivers in their suffering; He speaks to them in their affliction. He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction….
God is bigger than panic attacks and He's way bigger than Stan, that crafty snake!
I want to be delivered from the jaws of distress to a spacious place, free from affliction....He sets me free to run, through fields of laughter and to sing as though I have no yesterdays....and He sets me free from my befores and afters, from a debt I know I'll never come close to paying....When He sets me free to fly to soar to places I've not been before, the boundaries of humanity cannot contain what He sets free.....( I borrowed much of that last grossly run on sentence from Ms Sandy Patty....Thanks sister, you've always inspired me)
What I'm trying to convey is yes, I have a conundrum...but I also have a way of escape and His name is Jesus. I will not be destroyed...yes, I may have to wait and rest....but life's a climb, but the views great and I have the best of companions on my journey.....
Draw close to Him in your times of need, my friends. He's the only friend you'll ever have who will NEVER EVER leave you.....And when you cannot find your feet or your legs, He'll carry you in His everlasting arms....
The week is starting off a bit on the rocky side....I've been fighting an attack for a couple of hours and I am finally feeling some relief. Praise you, Jesus.
Well, I'd best be off to other things, Mark needs the computer and then I need to get us to bed. I love night shift, but at the end of the night, I'm rather poopered!!
Love each other as He loves....
Blessings in Him,
Lisa
PS Sorry about the irregular fonts....Blogger is being a booger.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Letting Go....
Good Afternoon sports fans.....Is everyone ready for the Superbowl on Sunday? We were invited to a friends house for a Superbowl Party, but we decided just to spend the day, after church, at home. Just the three of us.....There are a couple of reasons for this....One, with the holidays behind us, we need a break from all the parties and celebrations....Two, with all of my nutritional issues, it's a lot easier for me, to skip the parties and the volumes of inappropriate temptations and just stay home. In the past, we've had great fun, with our friends, but I am so limited in what I can eat and drink right now, it's just better for me to let this one pass. I am grateful to our friends for inviting us, but I'm doing so well on my plan, I don't want to derail all of my progress for one afternoon of careless eating.
Letting go of the things we love is difficult. But sometimes, it becomes necessary for health or monetary reasons. I am not used to letting things go....I resist it, vehemently. I want what I want and I want it now!! When I was diagnosed for the second time, with diabetes, in 2003, I was told to give up sugars and carbohydrates. Did I listen? What do you think? You're right, I didn't listen at all. Things went down, slowly, from there. Food is my addiction....my course of study, my pastime and my hobby....Food helps me connect with people, is a source of pride and something I excel at. It defines me and separates me from my piers, because food is something I'm good at. It's also my sin and my wicked indulgence and right now, food is my enemy! I have overindulged my wickedness, all my life with food. I've defiled my temple....sullied the house of my God and ruined what He bought, with the blood of His precious Son. All is not lost though, I am happy to serve a God of second chances ( and thirds and fourths and fifths....) And as I think, sometimes, how I've failed Him, He whispers sweetly to me...Lisa, this is all for My glory, so that others may see how you'll turn your failure, into My victory!!
1 Corinthians 6:20
For you were bought at a price; so therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.
1 Corinthians 11:29
For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgement on himself.
God has a funny way of getting His message across to me.....Most of the time, He has to hit me on the back of the head, with a two-by-four to get me to listen and to heed! I'm just that stubborn!! I started to see that two-by-four a couple of years ago, when I was thoroughly addicted to coffee tea and diet Coke. My heart would race and beat irregularly.....I thought, originally, that it was all due to panic attacks. It wasn't! I'd become caffeine sensitive. So I switched to decaf and caffeine free diet soda. The two-by-four swung again, when I developed edema in my feet and ankles and my blood pressure became elevated, caused by the amount of sodium in my diet. I have always loved salt and as an avid sprinkler, I was eating three or four times the amount of sodium needed, each day.....and let's not even talk about the fat two-by four....When I found, this past December that my cholesterol was too high, I felt the crack of that board on the back of my head, once again. All of these things were tantamount to the destruction of God's temple, inside of me.....
Like I said, letting go is never easy, but the victory I feel is so wonderfully sweet. I am now tearing down that stronghold, brick by brick and learning to live in joy, rather than shame and regret....I have let go of my addiction to caffeine and now, I drink only water and decaf coffee, every now and again. Recently, I've discovered that my body cannot handle decaf green or black teas either....so I've resolved myself to only herbals. I've let go of all canned sodas and flavored drink mixes as well, because it looks like I'm sensitive to aspartame as well. In some people, aspartame can actually hinder or even stop weight loss. I've let go of the high sodium levels in my diet....I'm still a sprinkler, but I've traded my salt for Mrs. Dash or Potassium Chloride. Things don't taste the same, but I am feeling better and the victory I feel when I don't reach for the salt is amazing. I'm letting go of high fat foods, in favor of lower fat alternatives and that's different, but I'll trade in the fat for a smaller body, any day!! I've given up eating past seven o'clock in the evening, as well.....I've found that I get acid reflux that lasts close to twenty four hours the next day, when I eat past seven......Letting things go does not mean saying goodbye! It means making informed decisions and thinking, instead of just giving in to the temptation to sin.....It means following God, as opposed to letting the enemy take your hand and lead you down the pathway to destruction.....
All of these things are and have been a big component of my weight loss....and if letting go means more years with my precious Mark and Mariah, my sisters Darcie and Tara and all of my numerous friends and loved ones, I'll chose it. If letting go means I can finally be proud of who I am and stop feeling like the failure I was made to think I was, growing up, I'll chose it. If letting go means I can face God, on that day, with my head held high, as He says 'Well done, My good and faithful servant' I'll chose it....I am stronger now, letting go, than I ever was, holding on.
Today has been quiet for me....and I am glad it's Friday. Mark goes back to nights on Monday and we'll live that schedule for two weeks....I get to spend more quality time with Mark, when he's on nights and I thank God for that, daily! Mariah's sixteenth birthday is next Friday (the 10th) and we're taking her out for pizza at Johns Incredible Pizza, in Modesto to celebrate and then going to Target in Riverbank for a midnight release party, to pick up our Blu-Ray copy of Breaking Dawn Part 1. Anyone who's interested in meeting us there, is more than welcome to come. I'm making a huge Red Velvet Birthday cake for her....We haven't decided on an official time, that will come in the next few days!!
Well, I'm off like a dirty shirt.....I have things I need to do and I need to put my feet up for a bit. So have a great weekend friends and I'll talk to ya soon.....Love each other as He loves....
Blessings in Him,
Lisa
Letting go of the things we love is difficult. But sometimes, it becomes necessary for health or monetary reasons. I am not used to letting things go....I resist it, vehemently. I want what I want and I want it now!! When I was diagnosed for the second time, with diabetes, in 2003, I was told to give up sugars and carbohydrates. Did I listen? What do you think? You're right, I didn't listen at all. Things went down, slowly, from there. Food is my addiction....my course of study, my pastime and my hobby....Food helps me connect with people, is a source of pride and something I excel at. It defines me and separates me from my piers, because food is something I'm good at. It's also my sin and my wicked indulgence and right now, food is my enemy! I have overindulged my wickedness, all my life with food. I've defiled my temple....sullied the house of my God and ruined what He bought, with the blood of His precious Son. All is not lost though, I am happy to serve a God of second chances ( and thirds and fourths and fifths....) And as I think, sometimes, how I've failed Him, He whispers sweetly to me...Lisa, this is all for My glory, so that others may see how you'll turn your failure, into My victory!!
1 Corinthians 6:20
For you were bought at a price; so therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.
1 Corinthians 11:29
For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgement on himself.
God has a funny way of getting His message across to me.....Most of the time, He has to hit me on the back of the head, with a two-by-four to get me to listen and to heed! I'm just that stubborn!! I started to see that two-by-four a couple of years ago, when I was thoroughly addicted to coffee tea and diet Coke. My heart would race and beat irregularly.....I thought, originally, that it was all due to panic attacks. It wasn't! I'd become caffeine sensitive. So I switched to decaf and caffeine free diet soda. The two-by-four swung again, when I developed edema in my feet and ankles and my blood pressure became elevated, caused by the amount of sodium in my diet. I have always loved salt and as an avid sprinkler, I was eating three or four times the amount of sodium needed, each day.....and let's not even talk about the fat two-by four....When I found, this past December that my cholesterol was too high, I felt the crack of that board on the back of my head, once again. All of these things were tantamount to the destruction of God's temple, inside of me.....
Like I said, letting go is never easy, but the victory I feel is so wonderfully sweet. I am now tearing down that stronghold, brick by brick and learning to live in joy, rather than shame and regret....I have let go of my addiction to caffeine and now, I drink only water and decaf coffee, every now and again. Recently, I've discovered that my body cannot handle decaf green or black teas either....so I've resolved myself to only herbals. I've let go of all canned sodas and flavored drink mixes as well, because it looks like I'm sensitive to aspartame as well. In some people, aspartame can actually hinder or even stop weight loss. I've let go of the high sodium levels in my diet....I'm still a sprinkler, but I've traded my salt for Mrs. Dash or Potassium Chloride. Things don't taste the same, but I am feeling better and the victory I feel when I don't reach for the salt is amazing. I'm letting go of high fat foods, in favor of lower fat alternatives and that's different, but I'll trade in the fat for a smaller body, any day!! I've given up eating past seven o'clock in the evening, as well.....I've found that I get acid reflux that lasts close to twenty four hours the next day, when I eat past seven......Letting things go does not mean saying goodbye! It means making informed decisions and thinking, instead of just giving in to the temptation to sin.....It means following God, as opposed to letting the enemy take your hand and lead you down the pathway to destruction.....
All of these things are and have been a big component of my weight loss....and if letting go means more years with my precious Mark and Mariah, my sisters Darcie and Tara and all of my numerous friends and loved ones, I'll chose it. If letting go means I can finally be proud of who I am and stop feeling like the failure I was made to think I was, growing up, I'll chose it. If letting go means I can face God, on that day, with my head held high, as He says 'Well done, My good and faithful servant' I'll chose it....I am stronger now, letting go, than I ever was, holding on.
Today has been quiet for me....and I am glad it's Friday. Mark goes back to nights on Monday and we'll live that schedule for two weeks....I get to spend more quality time with Mark, when he's on nights and I thank God for that, daily! Mariah's sixteenth birthday is next Friday (the 10th) and we're taking her out for pizza at Johns Incredible Pizza, in Modesto to celebrate and then going to Target in Riverbank for a midnight release party, to pick up our Blu-Ray copy of Breaking Dawn Part 1. Anyone who's interested in meeting us there, is more than welcome to come. I'm making a huge Red Velvet Birthday cake for her....We haven't decided on an official time, that will come in the next few days!!
Well, I'm off like a dirty shirt.....I have things I need to do and I need to put my feet up for a bit. So have a great weekend friends and I'll talk to ya soon.....Love each other as He loves....
Blessings in Him,
Lisa
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
In This Life,,,,,
Good Afternoon friends,
I know it's been a while and I really have no excuse for not posting! I haven't been excessively busy or anything...I have been lazy!
I last posted at the end of August and things have definitely been happening (duh, Lisa!!) in our lives...September and October were relatively quiet for us....November, however, was a GREAT month. In November, we (Mariah and I) went with Darcie, down to Los Angeles for another trip to Disneyland, for a couple of days and then headed to West Los Angeles for The Twilight Breaking Dawn Convention, at the Hyatt Regency Century City!! What a trip!! Some of you are rolling your eyes and shaking your heads, right now, but in our house, Twilight anything is a big deal!! Mark and I find that it's a way to connect with our sixteen year old daughter and it's something we can do together, as a family. It's important to me, to be able to connect with Mariah and share something that we both love.....I never had that with my parents and it's something I want, for my daughter and myself. We met some lovely people and made a quite a few new friends....We made memories that will last us a lifetime. I am thankful for the time I got to spend with Darcie and Mariah....and meeting a bunch of my new Twi-sisters was a big big highlight of the trip. The convention itself was a blast....We got to sit and listen to a large number of the stars talk about their lives and their experiences while filming the movies, we got to meet some of the stars, themselves, we attended a ball and got to dress up (Something we don't ever get to do, in real life) We laughed and laughed and I got to sit in the same general vicinity of my two favorite film stars, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson! I had the time of my life and I got to experience something I have never done before. We're planning on going back to the convention, this year, but this time, Mark is going....along with Mariah, Darcie and Darcie's cousin Jerrica. I'm looking forward to seeing all of my Twi-sisters and just getting to be among a large group of women (and a few men) who are just like me....a lot of them, waaaaay more obsessed than I am (yes, such people do exist in the world, at large)
The ten days following the Con were fraught with anticipation for the release of Breaking Dawn Part 1, on the 18th.....We went to the midnight show, on November 17th/18th and brought our favorite neighbors, Shane and Sandra with us....We had so much fun, even though it was freezing cold. Mark took the next day off of work, so that we were able to stay out and not have to worry about when we got home. To me, the movie, the first time was a big disappointment! They left out quite a bit and the film was just lacking in the vibrancy and energy that the other three films had. (I did see it three more times, after that and it did get better) I loved the soundtrack though....Funnily enough! I'm not one to listen to Top 40ish/mainstream pop music, but I really did love the soundtrack.
Also in November, my little blue gumdrop of a car gave up the ghost and died.....Not wanting to repair and replace and truss up with duct tape and bailing wire, Darcie helped us get my mini-van repaired, so now, I'm driving around in my Taxi-Tank again and quite happily, I have to admit!! I missed not having a working stereo, cruise control and cup holders for the last five years....
In December, I went back to the doctor for tests and in regards to some female difficulties I was having.....I won't regale you on those issues, there are things even I won't talk about in a public forum....not many, I admit, but there are some things that just need to be kept quiet. Dr. Star took 4 vials of my blood and then a week later, was yelling at me for my crappy cholesterol numbers and all that....I've been suffering from edema in my feet and ankles for way too many years and I'm really tired of being fat and making excuses for my poor health, as related to my weight....The picture at the top is Mark and I in July.....At the time, I was wearing a size 28 pants and weighed 340 lbs.....Not good!! I went back to low carbing....My total cholesterol, in July was 210....about 10 points too high....When I went to the doc in December, my weight was 299 and I was wearing a size 24 or 26....but my cholesterol was up to 278.....This hit me hard and I was quite scared. After talking with Dr. Star, I decided that I'd try the Weight Watchers program again! Atkins was working, but I needed to stop the upward climb of my cholesterol. I also asked for a referral to the weight management program at the hospital and three weeks later, I went to see Jim Warner at the hospital....I weighed in at 286 and was wearing a size 24....I don't know what my weight is today....I'll go and weigh in with Jim again, next Thursday....What I do know is that I am now wearing a size 22/20 and I was able to wear my smallest jeans, a pair of Old Navy flirts on Sunday, without laying on my bed and doing the fat girl crawl, to get them buttoned and zipped.....Let's face it kids, the pants don't lie.....I also tried on my size 22 Levis and they fit too..It's my first pair of fitting Levis since 1987.....Needless to say, I'm very happy, overjoyed even, with my progress....I won't have any new pictures til the end of the month, but I'll keep you updated with the numbers....
At the end of the month, the girls (Tara and Darcie) and I are going back down to Los Angeles.,...a trip to Universal Studios Hollywood and Disneyland, to celebrate Darcie's birthday! It's going to be a fun trip as I will not have to be a wife or mom, at all, for five days....Mark and Mariah are staying home. I'm looking forward to no responsibility and spending the time with my girls.....We're also meeting up with some of our southern Twi-sisters for dinner one night and I'm really looking forward to that! We haven't had a trip, just the three of us, in a lot of years, so reliving the moments of our younger days together, when we took these trips, three times a year is going to be such fun!
God is blessing us so richly, too, as a family....We share such closeness! Mark just had his one year anniversary, with his job and is still loving it, everyday! I am so very proud to share the days with him, as his best friend and his wife. Mariah is doing excellently in school and has begun to make preparations for her future career....She wants to study either engineering or something to do with children....as she is a sophomore, this year, she still has time to investigate things further....she is still entertaining the thoughts of being a chef, as well. The biggest battle we have with Mariah is her cell phone....the child is permanently attached to that thing! All in all, though, I couldn't be happier with the young woman she is becoming....She's well mannered, well spoken and never ever creates a ruckus! She is not your typical teenaged girl and I praise God daily, for allowing us to tuck her into our lives.....Being her mom is my greatest accomplishment and my second greatest joy. Second only to being a servant to the most High and my husband!! And even though she did not grow under my heart, she has grown in it. I love her as if she had grown inside me....Mark's son Donovan is now living in California, with his maternal grandparents, helping them to prepare to sell their house and move from San Jose to Vacaville. He only planned on staying for three months, but it looks as if he's going to be staying in California and living with his uncle, after his work with his grandparents is done. There is a deep canyon between Donovan and I and I am praying for a way to fix things, so that he can become a part of our family. Pray for us, friends! The damage done has hurt both of us and only God can bring the sides of that chasm together and heal the damage done.
Well, it seems as though I have gone on and on, for days, so I'll close for now.....Have a wonderful evening friends and love each other as He loves!!
Blessings in Him,
Lisa
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Get Over It......
Good Morning lovely friends and neighbors....
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood and I find myself happy and anxious for the gifts that today will bring. Life is good!
Mariah is back at school, so I am alone for the most part, during the day! Though I relish in the quiet comfort of home, at times, I am quiet lonely. It's all good, though, I have lots to keep me occupied....Thankfully, this is Mark's last week of day shift and next week, we go back to nights. I like it when he works nights....Mark and I actually get more time together and I get to spend quality time with my daughter, in the evenings.
God has been blessing me with better health and I am happy about that. I do, though, still have a compressed nerve in my left trapezious (the muscle on top of the shoulder blade) that's causing me much aggravation. It hurts, in varying degrees, pretty much all the time. The pain shoots down my left arm and has severely affected the use of my left hand. My pinky and my ring finger are all but useless! It's frustrating, especially when I can't sleep at night. My doc says that it should correct itself with time and rest.
I am still low carbing, with much success....I have been at it for a little more than two months and as of the beginning of the month, I had lost 38 pounds. I do not have a working scale, here at the house and for me, that's a good thing, because I am scale obsessive....I see Doctor Star again in a couple of weeks, I'll have a better idea of how much more I've lost, when I see her again. I also started taking Januvia for my diabetes, about a month ago and so far, I love the effects it has on my condition.
Right now, though, I have become ineligible for gastric bypass surgery! I am losing weight, naturally and my doctor says that gastric is for people who just cannot lose weight on their own.....and that's okay with me. Even with insurance, it's an expensive surgery and I am faithful that God is Greater than my fat! I just need to be faithful to my God and to my life plan and when the world comes in and the enemy is foolin with my mind, I will draw closer to the One who holds my life in His hands. No matter what I think or feel, my life is for His glory! We went to the Alameda County Fair, in early July and I met a woman there, called Barbara. She was selling orthotics. When I told her I was planning on having bypass surgery, she said something to me, that made me think....She said, "You can go and have that surgery....You can have the doctors cut you up and take out parts and rearrange parts, but it will never ever solve the real problem....." It seriously made me think! My problem is my addiction to food and though surgery would make it so that I physically cannot take in as much food and make it so my body doesn't absorb food the way it should, my addiction is still there....I use food as a comforter....as a compatriot....as a shield....as a friend and so much more. I turn to food, when I should be turning to God. I have allowed food to become my false god and that's sin, plain and simple. Surgery or not, I have to solve the problem.....I have used food to cope with many things.....the rejection of my family, my self loathing and self hatred, everyday stuff that just grates at me, my pain and my sadness have all been stuffed to overfill with food. Matthew 11 28-30 spells it out, completely......
Matthew 11:28-30
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood and I find myself happy and anxious for the gifts that today will bring. Life is good!
Mariah is back at school, so I am alone for the most part, during the day! Though I relish in the quiet comfort of home, at times, I am quiet lonely. It's all good, though, I have lots to keep me occupied....Thankfully, this is Mark's last week of day shift and next week, we go back to nights. I like it when he works nights....Mark and I actually get more time together and I get to spend quality time with my daughter, in the evenings.
God has been blessing me with better health and I am happy about that. I do, though, still have a compressed nerve in my left trapezious (the muscle on top of the shoulder blade) that's causing me much aggravation. It hurts, in varying degrees, pretty much all the time. The pain shoots down my left arm and has severely affected the use of my left hand. My pinky and my ring finger are all but useless! It's frustrating, especially when I can't sleep at night. My doc says that it should correct itself with time and rest.
I am still low carbing, with much success....I have been at it for a little more than two months and as of the beginning of the month, I had lost 38 pounds. I do not have a working scale, here at the house and for me, that's a good thing, because I am scale obsessive....I see Doctor Star again in a couple of weeks, I'll have a better idea of how much more I've lost, when I see her again. I also started taking Januvia for my diabetes, about a month ago and so far, I love the effects it has on my condition.
Right now, though, I have become ineligible for gastric bypass surgery! I am losing weight, naturally and my doctor says that gastric is for people who just cannot lose weight on their own.....and that's okay with me. Even with insurance, it's an expensive surgery and I am faithful that God is Greater than my fat! I just need to be faithful to my God and to my life plan and when the world comes in and the enemy is foolin with my mind, I will draw closer to the One who holds my life in His hands. No matter what I think or feel, my life is for His glory! We went to the Alameda County Fair, in early July and I met a woman there, called Barbara. She was selling orthotics. When I told her I was planning on having bypass surgery, she said something to me, that made me think....She said, "You can go and have that surgery....You can have the doctors cut you up and take out parts and rearrange parts, but it will never ever solve the real problem....." It seriously made me think! My problem is my addiction to food and though surgery would make it so that I physically cannot take in as much food and make it so my body doesn't absorb food the way it should, my addiction is still there....I use food as a comforter....as a compatriot....as a shield....as a friend and so much more. I turn to food, when I should be turning to God. I have allowed food to become my false god and that's sin, plain and simple. Surgery or not, I have to solve the problem.....I have used food to cope with many things.....the rejection of my family, my self loathing and self hatred, everyday stuff that just grates at me, my pain and my sadness have all been stuffed to overfill with food. Matthew 11 28-30 spells it out, completely......
Matthew 11:28-30
New King James Version (NKJV)
28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
My yoke has NEVER been easy and my burden is NOT light.....It never has been!! But in the midst of it all, here stands Jesus, saying to me....Come to me, Lisa and let me ease your burden. He doesn't tell me to go to the surgeon....He says Come to Me.....In my life, rejection has been keynote and I have never been treated gently (there have been a few...My sweet cousin Ginny, my Auntie Kay, my Pastor Dave, my blessed husband and my cherished daughter, my sisters Laura and Darcie, my own personal angels Bebe and Karen...gentle souls, all of them and a blessing to me, everyday!!)...People have always been really good at pointing out everything that they've seen as being wrong in me....It's made me angry and sad, it's made me judgmental and hurtful and to those whom I have hurt, as a knee-jerk result of dealing with my own hurting heart, I beg forgiveness. I am starting to learn, from Jesus, to take up His yoke and finally, finally find the rest for my soul. Kathy Trocolli sings a song, called "My Life is In Your Hands" and as I listened to it, this morning, hands raised and tears flowing, I realized that my life is truly in His hands....
Life can be so good
Life can be so hard
Never knowing what each day
Will bring to where you are
Sometimes I forget
And sometimes I can't see
That whatever comes my way
You'll be with me
My life is in Your hands
My heart is in Your keeping
I'm never without love
Not when my future is with You
My life is in Your hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
Cause Your love does amazing things
Lord, I know, my life is in Your hands
Nothing is for sure
Nothing is for keeps
All I know is that Your love
Will live eternally
So I will find my way, yes
And I will find my peace
Knowing that You'll meet my every need
My life is in Your hands
My heart is in Your keeping
I'm never without love
Not when my future is withYou
My life is inYour hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
Cause Your love does amazing things
Lord, I know, my life is in Your hands
When I'm at my weakest Lord
You carry me
Then I become my strongest Lord
In Your hands
My life is in Your hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
Cause Your love does amazing things
Lord, I know, my life is in Your hands
I trust you Lord
My life is in Your hands
Such great words.....I am learning to let go of my obsessions with food. I am laying my life in His hands....I've blown it, more than a few times, but it's all in the learning. I don't punish myself for my weakness, I move forward, relying on His strength and again, learning what triggers my disobedience. I am learning to lean and I'm learning to rest. For most of my life, I've seen myself as less....Less worthy of love, less beautiful than others, less important to my loved ones, less necessary than most.....but in His kingdom, I have begun to see myself as MORE.....more than a conqueror through Him who loves me.....Romans chapter 8 Rocks my Socks!!
Well sports fans, this is all for today.....I need to catch a few more Zzzzs!! Take care and love each other, as He loves.....
Many Blessings,
In Him....
Lisa
Monday, June 6, 2011
A Brand New Road and a Little More Faith
Hello Blog Fans....
Happy Monday....It's been a whirl wind of changes, in the past few days. The biggest change for me, is the fact that I will not be having gastric bypass surgery! There are $3000.00 in program fees for this surgery and although we are doing better financially, $3000.00 is still a lot of money!! I tried for financing, but we've been through quite a few rough years and it just isn't possible. At first, I was very down and then, after a long talk with my dear brother, Pastor Dave, I feel a lot better about things.
This is going to be a whole new adventure, for me. I've been down the weight loss/diet road before and I've done well on some and failed at others. This time, I've chosen Richard Simmons Food Mover. Yeah sure, Richard Simmons is a bit of an odd duck....but my mother did really really well on his program once, so I'm thinking it might work for me. I won't be losing handfuls of weight at a time....It won't be dropping off, like mad...But if I'm faithful and honest, it will come off. All this aside, I also got the whole program, unopened and brand new, still in the box, for less that a dollar, at a yard sale that the Murphys Fire Department was having, on Memorial Day weekend.
I swear to goodness, it was providence!! Just when I think I know it all....Just when I think the path for me is lit and free of roadblocks, God comes and reminds me of a few things.
1. Lisa does not know it all......No matter what I think, say or do, I am not omnipresent and there is no way I'll ever know everything until I die and join my Jesus in Heaven.
2. I really feel I was using this surgery for Lisa's glory......and God got tired of reminding me "This is for MY glory, Lisa, not yours"
3. Since I started this quest for surgery and self, I was totally out of control, with my eating. I was out of control.....and I refuse to yield control to God, as well. I am so glad that I can come to my Heavenly Father with a repentant heart and not only be forgiven, but give that control back to God. When this is done, He rejoices with me and loves me all the more, because finally, I'm relying less on my own strength (useless) and leaning on His everlasting arms (glorious).....
4. I do not have to face intubation (this really scares me)....My skin won't sag as much, because my body will be able to adjust naturally, as I lose the weight....I won't lose my hair any faster than I'm losing it today.....I won't have to worry about any embarrassing gastric issues or vitamin deficiencies because my body is able to absorb what it needs from my healthy diet.
5. I will be able to give God glory and show others that with God, faith and support, all things are possible!!
I realize that I was a negative proponent for this type of surgery and I can't say that I wasn't wrong....I was! But this is something I feel, in my heart of hearts, that God wants me to do on my own....Without surgical intervention. The weight didn't get here, overnight and it's not supposed to just fall off, either. I hold absolutely no ill will for anyone who's had or will have weight loss surgery.....But in a lot of ways, I am relieved that God has chosen otherwise, for me. One of Richard Simmons' success stories, a man called Elijah lost 300 lbs and has kept it off for 25 years. Doing it naturally can be successful, if you want it bad enough!! And I do....I want it for me...to be healthy and more able to serve the way I want and need to....I want it to give glory to my King....I want to be an example to others and I want my family to be proud of me......
I know I've been through this, many many times! I guess I'll just have to show you all that this time, I'm serious and I'm going all the way.....Life's a climb, but the view's great!
Please pray for me as I walk through this little narrow gate at the top of the hill......The road below is full of ruts, it's steep and sometimes, it's dark and scary, but at the end, I see glory! I don't know how long it will take me, to get there, but my eyes are fixed on Jesus and I will run in the power of His spirit!
That said, things are going well for us, here in our little hamlet in the hills.....Mariah is out of school for summer....If summer ever arrives! I've wanted to live in the Pacific Northwest for years....Looks like I'm getting my wish and I don't even have to leave home!! Mark is doing well and we are happy and satisfied with our marriage. Life is good for us and I thank God everyday that He fills me with Himself, so that I can love without regard or reserve!
Have a wonderful day, my friends and remember to look for the rainbow above every cloud!!
God is walking me through....Let Him walk you, too!!
Be blessed!
Lisa
Happy Monday....It's been a whirl wind of changes, in the past few days. The biggest change for me, is the fact that I will not be having gastric bypass surgery! There are $3000.00 in program fees for this surgery and although we are doing better financially, $3000.00 is still a lot of money!! I tried for financing, but we've been through quite a few rough years and it just isn't possible. At first, I was very down and then, after a long talk with my dear brother, Pastor Dave, I feel a lot better about things.
This is going to be a whole new adventure, for me. I've been down the weight loss/diet road before and I've done well on some and failed at others. This time, I've chosen Richard Simmons Food Mover. Yeah sure, Richard Simmons is a bit of an odd duck....but my mother did really really well on his program once, so I'm thinking it might work for me. I won't be losing handfuls of weight at a time....It won't be dropping off, like mad...But if I'm faithful and honest, it will come off. All this aside, I also got the whole program, unopened and brand new, still in the box, for less that a dollar, at a yard sale that the Murphys Fire Department was having, on Memorial Day weekend.
I swear to goodness, it was providence!! Just when I think I know it all....Just when I think the path for me is lit and free of roadblocks, God comes and reminds me of a few things.
1. Lisa does not know it all......No matter what I think, say or do, I am not omnipresent and there is no way I'll ever know everything until I die and join my Jesus in Heaven.
2. I really feel I was using this surgery for Lisa's glory......and God got tired of reminding me "This is for MY glory, Lisa, not yours"
3. Since I started this quest for surgery and self, I was totally out of control, with my eating. I was out of control.....and I refuse to yield control to God, as well. I am so glad that I can come to my Heavenly Father with a repentant heart and not only be forgiven, but give that control back to God. When this is done, He rejoices with me and loves me all the more, because finally, I'm relying less on my own strength (useless) and leaning on His everlasting arms (glorious).....
4. I do not have to face intubation (this really scares me)....My skin won't sag as much, because my body will be able to adjust naturally, as I lose the weight....I won't lose my hair any faster than I'm losing it today.....I won't have to worry about any embarrassing gastric issues or vitamin deficiencies because my body is able to absorb what it needs from my healthy diet.
5. I will be able to give God glory and show others that with God, faith and support, all things are possible!!
I realize that I was a negative proponent for this type of surgery and I can't say that I wasn't wrong....I was! But this is something I feel, in my heart of hearts, that God wants me to do on my own....Without surgical intervention. The weight didn't get here, overnight and it's not supposed to just fall off, either. I hold absolutely no ill will for anyone who's had or will have weight loss surgery.....But in a lot of ways, I am relieved that God has chosen otherwise, for me. One of Richard Simmons' success stories, a man called Elijah lost 300 lbs and has kept it off for 25 years. Doing it naturally can be successful, if you want it bad enough!! And I do....I want it for me...to be healthy and more able to serve the way I want and need to....I want it to give glory to my King....I want to be an example to others and I want my family to be proud of me......
I know I've been through this, many many times! I guess I'll just have to show you all that this time, I'm serious and I'm going all the way.....Life's a climb, but the view's great!
Please pray for me as I walk through this little narrow gate at the top of the hill......The road below is full of ruts, it's steep and sometimes, it's dark and scary, but at the end, I see glory! I don't know how long it will take me, to get there, but my eyes are fixed on Jesus and I will run in the power of His spirit!
That said, things are going well for us, here in our little hamlet in the hills.....Mariah is out of school for summer....If summer ever arrives! I've wanted to live in the Pacific Northwest for years....Looks like I'm getting my wish and I don't even have to leave home!! Mark is doing well and we are happy and satisfied with our marriage. Life is good for us and I thank God everyday that He fills me with Himself, so that I can love without regard or reserve!
Have a wonderful day, my friends and remember to look for the rainbow above every cloud!!
God is walking me through....Let Him walk you, too!!
Be blessed!
Lisa
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Take Joy In the Gift of Today
Good Morning friends,
I have a poster on my bathroom wall, that says "Simple Ways to Bless Your Day" and then it has a list of ways to indeed, bless your day. I have decided that every other day, I will expound on one Simple Way, from that list.....
Today's Simple Way is.....
Drum Roll, please......
TAKE JOY IN THE GIFT OF TODAY
Habakkuk 3:18-19 (NLT)
I have a poster on my bathroom wall, that says "Simple Ways to Bless Your Day" and then it has a list of ways to indeed, bless your day. I have decided that every other day, I will expound on one Simple Way, from that list.....
Today's Simple Way is.....
Drum Roll, please......
TAKE JOY IN THE GIFT OF TODAY
Habakkuk 3:18-19 (NLT)
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.
I just wrote a blog post on joy, I think....I'm sorry if I seem to be repeating myself!! Joy is so important, this day and age....The world is full of sorrow and angst. As followers of Christ, is it not our duty to bring joy to the people around us? But, how can we bring joy, if we ourselves, have no joy?
For me, joy is the simple act of living in love. It is the endowment of the salvation given to me by my best friend Jesus. The knowledge that for me, the grave is not the end. Everyone has his or her own take on what joy really is.....An answer to prayer....a touch from a loved one...true acceptance....a job promotion....a baby's smile....a good grade on a test....chocolate.....The list is endless and both personal and versatile.
Take joy in the gift of today, huh?
I'm taking the joy in the gift of today by spending an hour on the phone with my friend Rosemary! It was a complete joy to spend time talking about our upcoming surgeries and to help each other through the confusion and the disappointment we've had by the reactions of others. It was a joy to support Rosemary through her pain....It was a joy to once again, feel the strength of our thirty year friendship.
I'm taking joy in the gift of today, by praising the Lord for the calm weather.....It's overcast, but at least the wind isn't blowing and I'm not having to stand up my mailbox and chase my trash cans down the street, looking like a complete and total loon.
I'm taking joy in the gift of today, by cooking meatloaf for Mark and Mariah's dinner, when I myself, despise meatloaf (I'm having Mac N Cheese).
I'm taking joy in the gift of today, by washing my dishes and cleaning my kitchen, because I'd like to think that I'm becoming a better keeper of my home.
I'm taking joy in the gift of today, by looking at the beauty of spring; (memo to me, tomorrow is the day to plant new gladiolus corms) the sudden green of the trees as they robe themselves in leaves, the wild crocus popping up all over...The intense blue of the flowers on my rosemary bush (If anyone needs fresh rosemary, please let me know our bush is getting humongous) hearing the songs of the birds, returned home for the spring.
There's joy everywhere...you just have to look for it and have an open mind, when you find it...Then you need to let it shine through you....
I know it's short today, but it was way long, yesterday!
Love each other as He loves....
In Him,
Lisa
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
My take on Caterpillars!
Good Afternoon my patient Webbies!!I have not been writing much and I apologize for my inattentiveness. I have had much to think about over the past few months and I have come to a decision, involving my life and it's present course.
A great many of you know of my past aversion to even the thought of any sort of weight loss surgery.....I have been negatively vocal, loudly and ostentatiously so, most of the time. Well, I have been seeking, watching and praying over this for some time, now and have decided that the safest and most permanent solution to my obesity and diabetes is indeed, gastric bypass surgery. This is a big step for me! I have a friend who had a RNY gastric bypass done in late November and she looks really good. She's happy and her diabetes is gone!! I want that! I want to give my diabetes back! The RNY surgery, though, scares me....They take the stomach and make a 2 oz. pouch out of it....then they bypass a big section of small intestine and then hook the remaining intestine up to the stomach pouch via anastomosis. There can be a lot of complications with that.....Icky complications that I don't even want to think about. In my search for answers, I came up with a totally new question. Is this the only surgery available? Can I get the benefits of a standard RNY surgery and not have all of the ickies.....I know about lap band, but I don't want that one.....I just don't feel right about having a rubber hose wrapped around my tum.
My God is an awesome God.....All it takes is honest praying, from an open and seeking heart and the miracles of Jesus can start!
Matthew 7: 7 and 8......This really says it all......
7 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.
God said it and I believe it and that settles it for me!!
So I asked for guidance, one day, I remember the day so clearly....It was March 6th. In my web search, I came across a website extolling the benefits of a surgery called biliopancreatic diversion with duodenal switch gastric bypass. Basically, what this surgery does is reduces the size of the stomach to hold 4 to 5 ounces, the surgeon removes the rest of the stomach following the natural curve of the stomach and reroutes the intestines. During the surgery, they also remove the gall bladder and appendix. The DS surgery has a longer lasting effect on the body and maintains the natural function of the stomach, itself. There are no dietary restrictions, post-op, after the initial healing and the only required supplements are a daily multi vitamin and calcium citrate. Also, with the DS surgery, 99% of diabetic patients achieve complete resolution of their diabetes!!
Yeah buddy!!
I'm thinking about having a going away party for my diabetes!!
God, you are so dang awesome!!
Then I read that there are only 50 doctors in the United States that perform this type of surgery.....Dum dee dum dum......DUMMMMMMM!!!
So I get discouraged for the few seconds it takes me to tell Satan to get his grimy backside behind me, in the name of Jesus.
At that point, I didn't even know what kind of insurance Mark was going to be offered with his new job.....I knew that Kaiser doesn't offer this type of surgery! Mark had to go into the office, that following Monday and I had him ask his people that know stuff like that, what brand of insurance he's going to be getting. It's Blue Cross/Blue Shield.....
OH HAPPY DAY!! OH HAPPY DAAAAAAY........
I check the Blue Cross Website and they cover three types of gastric bypass.....Lap Band....RNY and BPD/DS........
Knock and it will be opened to you!!
Sometime after deciding that I was in it to win it, I talked to Rosemary....She'd just been to see her cardiologist and that doctor told her that she should think about having..........
Guess what??
Gastric Bypass!!
Hallelujah, I don't have to do this alone......
I feel like a caterpillar..... Waiting for the day when I will cover myself with silky threads and take a much needed rest.....Changing, growing, becoming......And on the appointed day, I will emerge from my asylum and the old Lisa will have faded away, to be replaced with a more efficient, more able butterfly Lisa with gossamer wings and the glory of God will finally teach her how to fly....Something she has never ever done before.....something, she's only dreamed of......
My life as a caterpillar hasn't been easy!! Always larger than everyone else.....Discriminated against, called names......treated as if I was always second best or not nearly as good as everyone else....Yeah I know, waah waah waah, yadda yadda yadda....Put on your big girl panties and get on with your bad self, right??
MmmHmmm...Exactly!!
Finally, for once in my life, I will not be bound with this body's chains of limitation. My course is set, my path is clear.....I will not be moved!!
At first, Rosemary and I chose a doctor out of Stanford, for our surgeries, but Rosemary called on them yesterday and was told that that doctor no longer does this surgery! So we've decided on Dr. Ara Kashishian, out of Delano (between Fresno and Bakersfield, in Tulare County). He has a very good reputation and Delano is a whole lot easier to navigate than San Francisco. We've gotten quite used to smaller towns!! Rosemary already has insurance, so she was able to make her consultation appointment right away!! I called the surgeon's office this afternoon and they called me back about half an hour ago....I am going for my consultation appointment on the same day as Rosemary, June 28th. I am overjoyed that I get to do this with my friend. This makes things a whole lot easier and less scary!
Anyhoo, enough with my rabble!! Everything here is great! Mariah is doing well in school and Mark still loves his new job! I'm still here, working on scrapbooking and making paper beads. One thing I have been able to accomplish in the past couple of months.....I've got my dish washing under control....A HUGE achievement for me, because I hate the dishes!! Now, I just have to find a way to get my clothes to fold themselves and I'll be right as rain!!
I'm going to be using my blog here, to chronicle my weight loss journey, from start to whenever. It's important to keep a journal for this type of thing, I think. It won't all be about gastric bypass...there will be other things. I am still just a caterpillar, but I am looking forward to the day when I can fly......
Love each other as He loves,
In Him,
Lisa
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)