Conundrum

Who actually knows the meaning of this word?

I thought I did...turns out, I was way off base.

Miriam -Webster defines conundrum as an intricate and difficult problem.

I am in the midst of a conundrum! For some reason, over the past couple of weeks, I have been suffering with frequent panic attacks. I can't figure it out! Sure, I'm worried about the normal things poor people worry about....finances, Mark and his somewhat dangerous job, raising my daughter up to be a contributing and loving member of society....you know, normal stuff!!

I have been doing so well with improving my health and my attitude and here comes Satan, adding more gravy to my plate and it's not the fat free kind, either. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I mean old Stan does have a way of fighting hardest when a breakthrough is about to be made! When someone is about to add another brick of gold to our Heavenly Father's kingdom! I am gaining control of my mind, so that I'm turning to God instead of turning to food. I'm turning disobedience into victorious living, in the name of my Savior. So I say to you Stan, get thee behind me and just go back to the rock from which you crawled out from. In Jesus' name I warn you, get outta my way, cause my freight train is coming through.....

Panic, for me, comes on suddenly.....my heart begins to beat irregularly, it affects the way I breathe and the way I think. It takes over my mind, making me think I'm having a heart attack or helping me to believe that I am crazy, after all and what the heck kinda right does a crazy person have, living or at least trying so desperately to live, a normal life. Panic makes me want to run away and hide from the terror that's overtaken my mind....It makes me want to drop everything and flee....Luckily, they almost always happen at home, where I am contained and no one has to see me act like a complete loon....Praise the Lord for my incredibly patient husband, my loving sister and my very understanding daughter. They have held my hand through many a rough patch....More importantly, I am thankful to my friend Jesus, who hold my erratically beating human heart in Hands and the heart of my soul, close to His and whispers, 'Peace be still for I am with you'

Job 36:15-16.
But those who suffer He delivers in their suffering; He speaks to them in their affliction. He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction….

God is bigger than panic attacks and He's way bigger than Stan, that crafty snake!

I want to be delivered from the jaws of distress to a spacious place, free from affliction....He sets me free to run, through fields of laughter and to sing as though I have no yesterdays....and He sets me free from my befores and afters, from a debt I know I'll never come close to paying....When He sets me free to fly to soar to places I've not been before, the boundaries of humanity cannot contain what He sets free.....( I borrowed much of that last grossly run on sentence from Ms Sandy Patty....Thanks sister, you've always inspired me)

What I'm trying to convey is yes, I have a conundrum...but I also have a way of escape and His name is Jesus. I will not be destroyed...yes, I may have to wait and rest....but life's a climb, but the views great and I have the best of companions on my journey.....

Draw close to Him in your times of need, my friends. He's the only friend you'll ever have who will NEVER EVER leave you.....And when you cannot find your feet or your legs, He'll carry you in His everlasting arms....

The week is starting off a bit on the rocky side....I've been fighting an attack for a couple of hours and I am finally feeling some relief. Praise you, Jesus.

Well, I'd best be off to other things, Mark needs the computer and then I need to get us to bed. I love night shift, but at the end of the night, I'm rather poopered!!

Love each other as He loves....

Blessings in Him,
Lisa

PS Sorry about the irregular fonts....Blogger is being a booger.

Letting Go....

Good Afternoon sports fans.....Is everyone ready for the Superbowl on Sunday? We were invited to a friends house for a Superbowl Party, but we decided just to spend the day, after church, at home. Just the three of us.....There are a couple of reasons for this....One, with the holidays behind us, we need a break from all the parties and celebrations....Two, with all of my nutritional issues, it's a lot easier for me, to skip the parties and the volumes of inappropriate temptations and just stay home. In the past, we've had great fun, with our friends, but I am so limited in what I can eat and drink right now, it's just better for me to let this one pass. I am grateful to our friends for inviting us, but I'm doing so well on my plan, I don't want to derail all of my progress for one afternoon of careless eating.

Letting go of the things we love is difficult. But sometimes, it becomes necessary for health or monetary reasons. I am not used to letting things go....I resist it, vehemently. I want what I want and I want it now!! When I was diagnosed for the second time, with diabetes, in 2003, I was told to give up sugars and carbohydrates. Did I listen? What do you think? You're right, I didn't listen at all. Things went down, slowly, from there. Food is my addiction....my course of study, my pastime and my hobby....Food helps me connect with people, is a source of pride and something I excel at. It defines me and separates me from my piers, because food is something I'm good at. It's also my sin and my wicked indulgence and right now, food is my enemy! I have overindulged my wickedness, all my life with food. I've defiled my temple....sullied the house of my God and ruined what He bought, with the blood of His precious Son. All is not lost though, I am happy to serve a God of second chances ( and thirds and fourths and fifths....) And as I think, sometimes, how I've failed Him, He whispers sweetly to me...Lisa, this is all for My glory, so that others may see how you'll turn your failure, into My victory!!

1 Corinthians 6:20
For you were bought at a price; so therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.

1 Corinthians 11:29
For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgement on himself.

God has a funny way of getting His message across to me.....Most of the time, He has to hit me on the back of the head, with a two-by-four to get me to listen and to heed! I'm just that stubborn!! I started to see that two-by-four a couple of years ago, when I was thoroughly addicted to coffee tea and diet Coke. My heart would race and beat irregularly.....I thought, originally, that it was all due to panic attacks. It wasn't! I'd become caffeine sensitive. So I switched to decaf and caffeine free diet soda. The two-by-four swung again, when I developed edema in my feet and ankles and my blood pressure became elevated, caused by the amount of sodium in my diet. I have always loved salt and as an avid sprinkler, I was eating three or four times the amount of sodium needed, each day.....and let's not even talk about the fat two-by four....When I found, this past December that my cholesterol was too high, I felt the crack of that board on the back of my head, once again. All of these things were tantamount to the destruction of God's temple, inside of me.....

Like I said, letting go is never easy, but the victory I feel is so wonderfully sweet. I am now tearing down that stronghold, brick by brick and learning to live in joy, rather than shame and regret....I have let go of my addiction to caffeine and now, I drink only water and decaf coffee, every now and again. Recently, I've discovered that my body cannot handle decaf green or black teas either....so I've resolved myself to only herbals. I've let go of all canned sodas and flavored drink mixes as well, because it looks like I'm sensitive to aspartame as well. In some people, aspartame can actually hinder or even stop weight loss. I've let go of the high sodium levels in my diet....I'm still a sprinkler, but I've traded my salt for Mrs. Dash or Potassium Chloride. Things don't taste the same, but I am feeling better and the victory I feel when I don't reach for the salt is amazing. I'm letting go of high fat foods, in favor of lower fat alternatives and that's different, but I'll trade in the fat for a smaller body, any day!! I've given up eating past seven o'clock in the evening, as well.....I've found that I get acid reflux that lasts close to twenty four hours the next day, when I eat past seven......Letting things go does not mean saying goodbye! It means making informed decisions and thinking, instead of just giving in to the temptation to sin.....It means following God, as opposed to letting the enemy take your hand and lead you down the pathway to destruction.....

All of these things are and have been a big component of my weight loss....and if letting go means more years with my precious Mark and Mariah, my sisters Darcie and Tara and all of my numerous friends and loved ones, I'll chose it. If letting go means I can finally be proud of who I am and stop feeling like the failure I was made to think I was, growing up, I'll chose it. If letting go means I can face God, on that day, with my head held high, as He says 'Well done, My good and faithful servant' I'll chose it....I am stronger now, letting go, than I ever was, holding on.

Today has been quiet for me....and I am glad it's Friday. Mark goes back to nights on Monday and we'll live that schedule for two weeks....I get to spend more quality time with Mark, when he's on nights and I thank God for that, daily! Mariah's sixteenth birthday is next Friday (the 10th) and we're taking her out for pizza at Johns Incredible Pizza, in Modesto to celebrate and then going to Target in Riverbank for a midnight release party, to pick up our Blu-Ray copy of Breaking Dawn Part 1. Anyone who's interested in meeting us there, is more than welcome to come. I'm making a huge Red Velvet Birthday cake for her....We haven't decided on an official time, that will come in the next few days!!

Well, I'm off like a dirty shirt.....I have things I need to do and I need to put my feet up for a bit. So have a great weekend friends and I'll talk to ya soon.....Love each other as He loves....
Blessings in Him,
Lisa

In This Life,,,,,

Good Afternoon friends,
I know it's been a while and I really have no excuse for not posting! I haven't been excessively busy or anything...I have been lazy!
I last posted at the end of August and things have definitely been happening (duh, Lisa!!) in our lives...September and October were relatively quiet for us....November, however, was a GREAT month. In November, we (Mariah and I) went with Darcie, down to Los Angeles for another trip to Disneyland, for a couple of days and then headed to West Los Angeles for The Twilight Breaking Dawn Convention, at the Hyatt Regency Century City!! What a trip!! Some of you are rolling your eyes and shaking your heads, right now, but in our house, Twilight anything is a big deal!! Mark and I find that it's a way to connect with our sixteen year old daughter and it's something we can do together, as a family. It's important to me, to be able to connect with Mariah and share something that we both love.....I never had that with my parents and it's something I want, for my daughter and myself. We met some lovely people and made a quite a few new friends....We made memories that will last us a lifetime. I am thankful for the time I got to spend with Darcie and Mariah....and meeting a bunch of my new Twi-sisters was a big big highlight of the trip. The convention itself was a blast....We got to sit and listen to a large number of the stars talk about their lives and their experiences while filming the movies, we got to meet some of the stars, themselves, we attended a ball and got to dress up (Something we don't ever get to do, in real life) We laughed and laughed and I got to sit in the same general vicinity of my two favorite film stars, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson! I had the time of my life and I got to experience something I have never done before. We're planning on going back to the convention, this year, but this time, Mark is going....along with Mariah, Darcie and Darcie's cousin Jerrica. I'm looking forward to seeing all of my Twi-sisters and just getting to be among a large group of women (and a few men) who are just like me....a lot of them, waaaaay more obsessed than I am (yes, such people do exist in the world, at large)
The ten days following the Con were fraught with anticipation for the release of Breaking Dawn Part 1, on the 18th.....We went to the midnight show, on November 17th/18th and brought our favorite neighbors, Shane and Sandra with us....We had so much fun, even though it was freezing cold. Mark took the next day off of work, so that we were able to stay out and not have to worry about when we got home. To me, the movie, the first time was a big disappointment! They left out quite a bit and the film was just lacking in the vibrancy and energy that the other three films had. (I did see it three more times, after that and it did get better) I loved the soundtrack though....Funnily enough! I'm not one to listen to Top 40ish/mainstream pop music, but I really did love the soundtrack.
Also in November, my little blue gumdrop of a car gave up the ghost and died.....Not wanting to repair and replace and truss up with duct tape and bailing wire, Darcie helped us get my mini-van repaired, so now, I'm driving around in my Taxi-Tank again and quite happily, I have to admit!! I missed not having a working stereo, cruise control and cup holders for the last five years....
In December, I went back to the doctor for tests and in regards to some female difficulties I was having.....I won't regale you on those issues, there are things even I won't talk about in a public forum....not many, I admit, but there are some things that just need to be kept quiet. Dr. Star took 4 vials of my blood and then a week later, was yelling at me for my crappy cholesterol numbers and all that....I've been suffering from edema in my feet and ankles for way too many years and I'm really tired of being fat and making excuses for my poor health, as related to my weight....The picture at the top is Mark and I in July.....At the time, I was wearing a size 28 pants and weighed 340 lbs.....Not good!! I went back to low carbing....My total cholesterol, in July was 210....about 10 points too high....When I went to the doc in December, my weight was 299 and I was wearing a size 24 or 26....but my cholesterol was up to 278.....This hit me hard and I was quite scared. After talking with Dr. Star, I decided that I'd try the Weight Watchers program again! Atkins was working, but I needed to stop the upward climb of my cholesterol. I also asked for a referral to the weight management program at the hospital and three weeks later, I went to see Jim Warner at the hospital....I weighed in at 286 and was wearing a size 24....I don't know what my weight is today....I'll go and weigh in with Jim again, next Thursday....What I do know is that I am now wearing a size 22/20 and I was able to wear my smallest jeans, a pair of Old Navy flirts on Sunday, without laying on my bed and doing the fat girl crawl, to get them buttoned and zipped.....Let's face it kids, the pants don't lie.....I also tried on my size 22 Levis and they fit too..It's my first pair of fitting Levis since 1987.....Needless to say, I'm very happy, overjoyed even, with my progress....I won't have any new pictures til the end of the month, but I'll keep you updated with the numbers....
At the end of the month, the girls (Tara and Darcie) and I are going back down to Los Angeles.,...a trip to Universal Studios Hollywood and Disneyland, to celebrate Darcie's birthday! It's going to be a fun trip as I will not have to be a wife or mom, at all, for five days....Mark and Mariah are staying home. I'm looking forward to no responsibility and spending the time with my girls.....We're also meeting up with some of our southern Twi-sisters for dinner one night and I'm really looking forward to that! We haven't had a trip, just the three of us, in a lot of years, so reliving the moments of our younger days together, when we took these trips, three times a year is going to be such fun!
God is blessing us so richly, too, as a family....We share such closeness! Mark just had his one year anniversary, with his job and is still loving it, everyday! I am so very proud to share the days with him, as his best friend and his wife. Mariah is doing excellently in school and has begun to make preparations for her future career....She wants to study either engineering or something to do with children....as she is a sophomore, this year, she still has time to investigate things further....she is still entertaining the thoughts of being a chef, as well. The biggest battle we have with Mariah is her cell phone....the child is permanently attached to that thing! All in all, though, I couldn't be happier with the young woman she is becoming....She's well mannered, well spoken and never ever creates a ruckus! She is not your typical teenaged girl and I praise God daily, for allowing us to tuck her into our lives.....Being her mom is my greatest accomplishment and my second greatest joy. Second only to being a servant to the most High and my husband!! And even though she did not grow under my heart, she has grown in it. I love her as if she had grown inside me....Mark's son Donovan is now living in California, with his maternal grandparents, helping them to prepare to sell their house and move from San Jose to Vacaville. He only planned on staying for three months, but it looks as if he's going to be staying in California and living with his uncle, after his work with his grandparents is done. There is a deep canyon between Donovan and I and I am praying for a way to fix things, so that he can become a part of our family. Pray for us, friends! The damage done has hurt both of us and only God can bring the sides of that chasm together and heal the damage done.
Well, it seems as though I have gone on and on, for days, so I'll close for now.....Have a wonderful evening friends and love each other as He loves!!
Blessings in Him,
Lisa