Hi-dee Ho, Blog fans....
I've missed a couple of days....Had a couple of set-backs, but no worries, I'm still strong and on track....Learning to bounce back has never been my strong suit! I've always been okay with letting things get to me, letting things take me down and leave me broken and bleeding.....Not now, though!! It seems, the stronger I feel, the harder the enemy fights to bring me down....I'm not about to let Satan's grimey hands ruin everything I've been trying to accomplish.....everything I'm working so hard to attain!!
So here's how it all went down!!
Friday morning, Mark and I get up at 5:30 am (after having gone to bed at nearly 2 am) and we get Mariah up and rolling towards getting to school. Just before she leaves, I was commenting on how many programs Mark has been recording on the DVR and he looked at me, from the computer and told me that if I didn't like it, I was free to leave....that I knew where the door was and how to use it. In one sentence, the enemy had me in chains, broken, bleeding and nearly destroyed. The one thing I fear, above having to leave my home and return to the home of my father, is Mark forcing me to leave my home and our marriage like he tried to do, back in 2007. The six months of emotional estrangement I experienced with Mark was the second most trying thing I've ever endured. The words he said, which were straight from the mouth of the enemy, brought back so many unhappy and terrifying memories of infidelity, hurt and abandonment! I cried for a long time, thinking about what he'd said, all those years ago. When we went back to bed, after Mariah went off to the bus stop, what's the first thing that happened? I dreamed that Mark's ex-girlfriend Terri had taken a knife and cut up my face, leaving me to bleed, while she and Mark stood there and laughed at me. (Terri was the person Mark was planning on replacing me with, after he forced me to leave my home and my life) I let the enemy bring me down, but I didn't divert from my food plan and I still got myself to the gym, after Mark went to work and I did my full 30 minutes on the bike! When I asked God what He wanted me to learn from this, His answer was very clear.....Lisa, you need to learn to love yourself, despite the world around you and you need to FORGET.
Last night, Saturday, I got another blow from the enemy!! I went outside late, to take the dog out, just before bed and I heard our neighbor, Shane, yelling at his seven year old son, Robby. He was angry. Angry yelling terrifies me, beyond all thought.... Apparently Robby'd lied to him and he was mercilessly posing question after question to the little guy....."Why did you lie? Why do you always lie? Lying is wrong, why do you do it?" and Robby cried and pleaded back to him...."I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Daddy, I won't do it again, I promise!" I don't know if he ended up spanking the poor kid, I had to go back inside or face getting sick all over my front yard. The memory of pleading with my own father, to remove the threat of the beating I would undoubtedly receive or at least lessen it's severity, was fresh in my mind, as if it were happening then and there, to me....I hurried inside to Mark and fell into his embrace, weeping and shaking....He promised me, that as he was my partner and my love, he was also my protector...that he would never allow anyone to hurt me, like that, again. As I went upstairs, to get ready for bed, I asked God again, what He needed me to learn from this......God always answers my seeking and I was not surprised when He said...."Lisa, the past is gone, best just forget it....Leave your protection in My hands and know that this is for My glory" I was surprised though, that the first thing that happened, as I fell asleep, in bed was that I woke up, after just having fallen to sleep, to Mark throwing my hand off of him, as I dug my fingernails into his side. I dreamed that I was on the floor, in my childhood home and my father was standing above me, beating me with is belt.....Even though I was frightened, I had had it, clear up to my eyeballs with this trickery and rot! I wasn't taking this anymore....I started to sing, in my head, " Come Holy Spirit, I need you....Come Sweet Spirit, I pray....Come in Thy strength and Thy power....Come in Thine own gentle way." I felt the Holy Spirit descend upon me and I fell into sleep, easily and was not troubled by anymore scary dreams.....
These past couple of days have been a bit on the difficult side, for me....Having to stand against the assault of the strongman....Having to face my most terrifying fears and memories was not fun. But, through it all, I didn't turn to my false comforter, food.....Both times, I called upon the Lord and He sent His healing rain. I relied on Him, for His strength....Both incidents, this weekend, have proven to me, that the need to forget my past is strong. At church today, I asked Pastor Dave, if I could resume my counseling and he said I could....I'll see him now, Thursdays at 1:30.....I know that I am in for a long haul with this, but it has to be done! I can no longer let the tragedies from my past determine what and who I will become in the future.....I will no longer relive the past and I cannot allow those who mistreated me, broke my spirit and my heart, stole my youth, my dreams and my hope...to steal the joy that I feel as a wife, a mother and servant of the Most High. I will not allow it!! The lamb has become the lioness and she is highly honked off!!
So, my prayer for Friday was to get through the weekend, without cheating! I made it! We went out to eat at Perko's on Saturday night and I was so proud of myself....I stayed on my plan and I didn't have to spend an arm, a leg and two eyeballs to do it!! I need to remember to carry my liquid Stevia with me, when I eat out though....I hate black coffee and since I cannot have caffeine, Nutra Sweet or sugar or any sort of powdered sweetener, my choice of drinks is rather limited!! I can have decaf or water.....Here at home, I drink decaf Ice Tea with Stevia or liquid Splenda or Shasta soda..Grapefruit, Root Beer and Creme Soda....all caffeine free and sweetened with Splenda....I can also have Diet Rite and Hansens, but Shasta is cheaper...we got it for $2.58 a twelve pack at Food for Less. I have a difficult time on the weekends...Mark and Mariah are both home and I don't want to hold them back, because I cannot eat what they can and I don't want to feel left out because I cannot eat what they can. This time, though, I stayed strong and I kept my resolve.....I put my trust in God and let Him hold me up and keep me strong...I forgot what it felt like to cheat and I forgot what it felt like to fail. I was happy to finally feel what it was like to succeed. What a sweet sweet feeling....It was truly a healing rain!
I am looking forward to this next two weeks. Mark is back to day shift, so we'll have him home in the evenings. I am starting counseling again, so I don't have to shoulder this burden alone, any longer and I have a whole new week of learning, ahead of me.....Please remember me, in your prayers.....
I hope this weekend has been good for each one of you.....
Love as He loves.....
In Him,
Lisa
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Cherish the Treasure
Good Evening, O ye Webbie friends......
I apologize for the late post.....Mark is on nights, this week and I had some things to do, this afternoon....Then with making dinner and eating....So here I am! Bright eyed and bushy tailed!! The muscles in my arms, shoulders and chest are threatening to stage a coup, if I continue to work them out, so I'm in a little bit of pain. I welcome the pain, though, it's a reminder that I was faithful in my commitment to working out, everyday! I am feeling really good!! I have stayed on my food plan for almost three days, now and my appetite has calmed, quite a bit, along with my mood. This evening, I discovered the joys of jicama. Jicama is part of the radish family....When you see it in the grocery, it's ugly...the size of a softball and covered in a rustic tan peel. Lemme tell ya, this stuff is good. Crunchy and slightly sweet, it really made my boring "shrubbery" salad come alive. I really want to go and eat the rest of it, but I'm learning self control, so I have to put it away and save it, to enjoy another day! I want to tell you, also, about a company called Walden Farms.....They make things like salad dressings, dessert sauces, condiments and jams; You can buy some of their products at Raleys. All of Walden Farms products are calorie free, fat free and carb free.....I love their ranch dressing, their strawberry jam spread, their peanut butter spread and their marshmallow dip. I actually have the girls at The Country Store, in Sonora, order whatever I want....The items they sell are on the pricey side, but a little goes a long way! I wasn't fond of their ketchup or barbeque sauce and their chocolate sauce was so-so....It's nice to be able to have jam on my flax muffin, in the morning.
Okay, well on with the good stuff.......
I am reading Neva Coyle's Free to Be Thin and applying the principles to my weight loss journey.....I cannot use her food plan, because my body just doesn't do well with a low-fat, carbohydrate rich diet. I can though, use her principles......
What do you treasure?
I've had to think about that a lot, lately! Food has always been a big fat treasure chest for me.....I love to touch it, cook with it, eat it and serve it to my friends and family......When I was unhappy, food would cheer me.......When I was lonely, food kept me company.....When I was bored, food gave me something to do.....When I needed praise or recognition or acceptance, food was the vehicle.....I lived for food! You know what though....food didn't live for me! It never dried my tears, never completely soothed my mind or calmed my fears....It doesn't keep me safe and it won't ever forgive my sins! Food was my treasure and my false god.
This is what the Bible says about treasures......
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:34
My treasure was food!! This was a sobering thing for me to admit! I want to have the heart of Jesus, not a heart of Twinkies......I want to have a heart of worship, not a heart of Sonic Cheeseburgers...... I want a heart of praise, not a heart of jelly donuts!! Not only was food killing me, it was keeping me from a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father. I used to think that I was doing okay in my walk.....I had my challenges, but who doesn't? But, in reality, I had a huge stronghold built up with bricks made by Betty Crocker and McDonalds......
I have been in this place before!!
Last year, I did really well, with the Atkins program and working out, but I traded all my hard work for take-out and let the devil convince me that I was happy how I was. That stronghold tower that I have been building, all my life, was never destroyed completely.....I just started adding bricks and the higher it got, the deeper I fell, into the pit! Only coming out to add more bricks, I resolved in my mind, that I was just going to have to accept this as how I was....That nothing would ever help and that I was not worthy enough, not even to myself, to ever even try. I was a failure.....I was a horrible wife, a bad mother, a terrible friend.....Every condemnation that Satan whispered in my ear, I believed! I've been hearing negative things about myself, since I was eight years old, why should things change? I was doomed and I accepted that!! I was devastated, but couldn't reach out.....The stronghold I was building was reinforced with pride and with shame......
This morning, while sitting on my stoop, looking out at the beauty of the morning, I realized something. I am a treasure!! I am God's treasure.......His gold, His jewels!! He loved me so much that He sacrificed His only Son, to save me! So that I would shine, in His glory! Not tarnish......So that He would never have to live, without me, instead of burying me in the sand and forgetting me. Today, I had to seriously look at where my treasure lies......It lies in my salvation! In the matchless grace of Jesus.....It is my need to serve others.....It's in the hearts of my husband and my daughter......It's in the way I love and the things I say and do.......
I am now striving to free myself of the burden of food! I am learning to eat to live and not live to eat.....I am learning that people will like me or they won't....a chocolate cake isn't going to change that.....I am learning that the words of condemnation I've lived with are just a weapon of the enemy, to kill, steal and destroy.....I am learning to pray about the choices I make, before I make them and to listen to the voice of my Savior......and I am learning to believe that there is a worthy treasure, here in my heart.....
Today has been a perfect day, for me.....I hope it was for you, as well. I wish you all my best and I'll see you on the flip side.....Love each other as He loves.....
I will stumble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved. I will make mistakes, I will face heartache, but I will not be moved....On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand....I will not be moved.
-Natalie Grant
In Him....
Lisa
I apologize for the late post.....Mark is on nights, this week and I had some things to do, this afternoon....Then with making dinner and eating....So here I am! Bright eyed and bushy tailed!! The muscles in my arms, shoulders and chest are threatening to stage a coup, if I continue to work them out, so I'm in a little bit of pain. I welcome the pain, though, it's a reminder that I was faithful in my commitment to working out, everyday! I am feeling really good!! I have stayed on my food plan for almost three days, now and my appetite has calmed, quite a bit, along with my mood. This evening, I discovered the joys of jicama. Jicama is part of the radish family....When you see it in the grocery, it's ugly...the size of a softball and covered in a rustic tan peel. Lemme tell ya, this stuff is good. Crunchy and slightly sweet, it really made my boring "shrubbery" salad come alive. I really want to go and eat the rest of it, but I'm learning self control, so I have to put it away and save it, to enjoy another day! I want to tell you, also, about a company called Walden Farms.....They make things like salad dressings, dessert sauces, condiments and jams; You can buy some of their products at Raleys. All of Walden Farms products are calorie free, fat free and carb free.....I love their ranch dressing, their strawberry jam spread, their peanut butter spread and their marshmallow dip. I actually have the girls at The Country Store, in Sonora, order whatever I want....The items they sell are on the pricey side, but a little goes a long way! I wasn't fond of their ketchup or barbeque sauce and their chocolate sauce was so-so....It's nice to be able to have jam on my flax muffin, in the morning.
Okay, well on with the good stuff.......
I am reading Neva Coyle's Free to Be Thin and applying the principles to my weight loss journey.....I cannot use her food plan, because my body just doesn't do well with a low-fat, carbohydrate rich diet. I can though, use her principles......
What do you treasure?
I've had to think about that a lot, lately! Food has always been a big fat treasure chest for me.....I love to touch it, cook with it, eat it and serve it to my friends and family......When I was unhappy, food would cheer me.......When I was lonely, food kept me company.....When I was bored, food gave me something to do.....When I needed praise or recognition or acceptance, food was the vehicle.....I lived for food! You know what though....food didn't live for me! It never dried my tears, never completely soothed my mind or calmed my fears....It doesn't keep me safe and it won't ever forgive my sins! Food was my treasure and my false god.
This is what the Bible says about treasures......
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:34
My treasure was food!! This was a sobering thing for me to admit! I want to have the heart of Jesus, not a heart of Twinkies......I want to have a heart of worship, not a heart of Sonic Cheeseburgers...... I want a heart of praise, not a heart of jelly donuts!! Not only was food killing me, it was keeping me from a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father. I used to think that I was doing okay in my walk.....I had my challenges, but who doesn't? But, in reality, I had a huge stronghold built up with bricks made by Betty Crocker and McDonalds......
I have been in this place before!!
Last year, I did really well, with the Atkins program and working out, but I traded all my hard work for take-out and let the devil convince me that I was happy how I was. That stronghold tower that I have been building, all my life, was never destroyed completely.....I just started adding bricks and the higher it got, the deeper I fell, into the pit! Only coming out to add more bricks, I resolved in my mind, that I was just going to have to accept this as how I was....That nothing would ever help and that I was not worthy enough, not even to myself, to ever even try. I was a failure.....I was a horrible wife, a bad mother, a terrible friend.....Every condemnation that Satan whispered in my ear, I believed! I've been hearing negative things about myself, since I was eight years old, why should things change? I was doomed and I accepted that!! I was devastated, but couldn't reach out.....The stronghold I was building was reinforced with pride and with shame......
This morning, while sitting on my stoop, looking out at the beauty of the morning, I realized something. I am a treasure!! I am God's treasure.......His gold, His jewels!! He loved me so much that He sacrificed His only Son, to save me! So that I would shine, in His glory! Not tarnish......So that He would never have to live, without me, instead of burying me in the sand and forgetting me. Today, I had to seriously look at where my treasure lies......It lies in my salvation! In the matchless grace of Jesus.....It is my need to serve others.....It's in the hearts of my husband and my daughter......It's in the way I love and the things I say and do.......
I am now striving to free myself of the burden of food! I am learning to eat to live and not live to eat.....I am learning that people will like me or they won't....a chocolate cake isn't going to change that.....I am learning that the words of condemnation I've lived with are just a weapon of the enemy, to kill, steal and destroy.....I am learning to pray about the choices I make, before I make them and to listen to the voice of my Savior......and I am learning to believe that there is a worthy treasure, here in my heart.....
Today has been a perfect day, for me.....I hope it was for you, as well. I wish you all my best and I'll see you on the flip side.....Love each other as He loves.....
I will stumble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved. I will make mistakes, I will face heartache, but I will not be moved....On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand....I will not be moved.
-Natalie Grant
In Him....
Lisa
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Today I will Celebrate
Good afternoon, my friends,
Today I am struck with the need to celebrate! I'm joyful today and I just had to share that!! Our God is really an awesome God!
Psalm 30:11
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
Those of you who know me, know that I am more of an Eeyore, always looking for the gray clouds and the rain.....I want to be a Tigger....So overcome with the joy of the Lord, that I bounce! Well, not literally, bouncing for me, gives a whole new meaning to the words "Shake, Rattle and Roll". I want to be the kind of person who inspires others to find the joy......In this world, with the economy and the state of our lives, homes and families, it's hard to find joy! Trust me, it's there, you just have to believe and look for it. For me, as a submissive wife and mother, joy is getting Mark ready for work....Making sure his lunch is made, his clothes are clean and his coffee is perked. It's being here for Mariah, when she arrives home from school, making her dinner and listening to her, when she has something to say.....To me, joy is serving others, seeing to the needs of the ones I love, so that their lives are full and they lack for nothing. And though there are days when I just don't feel it, there is joy in dirty dishes and piles of laundry. We just need to have the right perspective. The Bible says to count it all joy! ALL? Yes, all....
God is really impressing on me, today to look at everything in my life with joy! Really God? Everything? Yep! Everything!! Okay, Okay "Joy to the dishes the soap has come"
.....and not only does God want me to find joy in everything, but I have to celebrate it, too.....
Wait a daggone minute, here! You mean I have to celebrate, too?? Yup!! What could there possibly be to celebrate about washing dishes.....Praise the Lord, I have dishpan hands? Somebody call Madge the Manicurist!! Perspective, here Lisa! Find the joy!!
Okay, lets put this into joy's perspective......You have a family, who gathers at your table and fills their empty tummies with food from those dishes at the same time, they're filling their spirits with the love that you give while preparing and serving that food.....You are surrounded by those who love and need you. That's joy......I remember watching my grandmother wash her dishes and clean her house, when I was young.....She always sang hymns, while she went about her chores.....She was joyful and she celebrated by praising the Lord, even in the midst of dirty dishes, carpet sweepers and Windex.
Joy and Celebration, that's what life is all about! Imagine what the world would be like, if we all found joy in the things that we have to do each day.....How many lives would be changed? How many frowns would become smiles? What would it be like if all our crying was transformed into dancing? Jesus is that Joy! When we give our lives and hearts over to Jesus and are one with His plan and purpose for our lives, then that joy just bubbles out...affecting everything we say, do, think and feel. It's as if the morning has a whole new meaning!! A brand new day of celebration and joy!!
For me, today, joy is staying on my food plan!! It's getting out of the house and driving down to the gym to exercise, even though I am sore from yesterday's exercise and would really rather stay here, in front of the computer......It's believing in God enough to believe in myself and give myself credit, where credit is due! I'm celebrating rebirth.....forgiveness...salvation....and the love of God!
Join me today.....Be joyful, Celebrate.....Change your perspective! Love each other as He loves.....
I've got the joy, joy, joy down in my heart.......
In Him,
Lisa
Today I am struck with the need to celebrate! I'm joyful today and I just had to share that!! Our God is really an awesome God!
Psalm 30:11
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
Those of you who know me, know that I am more of an Eeyore, always looking for the gray clouds and the rain.....I want to be a Tigger....So overcome with the joy of the Lord, that I bounce! Well, not literally, bouncing for me, gives a whole new meaning to the words "Shake, Rattle and Roll". I want to be the kind of person who inspires others to find the joy......In this world, with the economy and the state of our lives, homes and families, it's hard to find joy! Trust me, it's there, you just have to believe and look for it. For me, as a submissive wife and mother, joy is getting Mark ready for work....Making sure his lunch is made, his clothes are clean and his coffee is perked. It's being here for Mariah, when she arrives home from school, making her dinner and listening to her, when she has something to say.....To me, joy is serving others, seeing to the needs of the ones I love, so that their lives are full and they lack for nothing. And though there are days when I just don't feel it, there is joy in dirty dishes and piles of laundry. We just need to have the right perspective. The Bible says to count it all joy! ALL? Yes, all....
James 1:2-4 (New King James Version)
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.God is really impressing on me, today to look at everything in my life with joy! Really God? Everything? Yep! Everything!! Okay, Okay "Joy to the dishes the soap has come"
.....and not only does God want me to find joy in everything, but I have to celebrate it, too.....
Wait a daggone minute, here! You mean I have to celebrate, too?? Yup!! What could there possibly be to celebrate about washing dishes.....Praise the Lord, I have dishpan hands? Somebody call Madge the Manicurist!! Perspective, here Lisa! Find the joy!!
Okay, lets put this into joy's perspective......You have a family, who gathers at your table and fills their empty tummies with food from those dishes at the same time, they're filling their spirits with the love that you give while preparing and serving that food.....You are surrounded by those who love and need you. That's joy......I remember watching my grandmother wash her dishes and clean her house, when I was young.....She always sang hymns, while she went about her chores.....She was joyful and she celebrated by praising the Lord, even in the midst of dirty dishes, carpet sweepers and Windex.
Joy and Celebration, that's what life is all about! Imagine what the world would be like, if we all found joy in the things that we have to do each day.....How many lives would be changed? How many frowns would become smiles? What would it be like if all our crying was transformed into dancing? Jesus is that Joy! When we give our lives and hearts over to Jesus and are one with His plan and purpose for our lives, then that joy just bubbles out...affecting everything we say, do, think and feel. It's as if the morning has a whole new meaning!! A brand new day of celebration and joy!!
For me, today, joy is staying on my food plan!! It's getting out of the house and driving down to the gym to exercise, even though I am sore from yesterday's exercise and would really rather stay here, in front of the computer......It's believing in God enough to believe in myself and give myself credit, where credit is due! I'm celebrating rebirth.....forgiveness...salvation....and the love of God!
Join me today.....Be joyful, Celebrate.....Change your perspective! Love each other as He loves.....
I've got the joy, joy, joy down in my heart.......
In Him,
Lisa
Monday, January 24, 2011
Finding my own Everest....
Good Evening, Webbie Friends.....
It's been a while I know and I apologize for that!! I have been at war within myself for the past six weeks or so! I have been outta touch with just about everyone in my life....My self imposed exile has taught me a thing or two about my life. Number one...I am not a failure. Number two....losing a friend hurts more than a thousand beatings. Number three....You have to start somewhere. To those of you who I might have hurt, in our time apart, I am sorry and I ask your forgiveness! I am not going to explain to you, what brought on my heartache.....those of you closest to me, already know and I am trying to put the whole fiasco behind me, where it belongs. It takes time and patience, but I'll get there....a journey of a million miles still starts with one single step!
Here's what I have to say......
Number one.....I am not a failure!!
For as long as I can remember, when I think of my childhood and early adulthood, I was told that I was a failure, that I'd never amount to anything and that I would always be a failure. I heard this from my parents, my siblings and my grandparents. Tell me, how can a person believe in themselves, when all that's been pounded into their heads for so long, was how horrible they are and how much of a screw up, they've become (were/are/will be)? The odds are not good!! I began to believe that about myself!! Every time I cheated on my food plan, every time I didn't exercise or go to the gym, every day my house remained a sloppy mess.....I was a failure, doomed to live the rest of my life, the way my family predicted! I believed them. I let them steal my joy from me...my hope, my dreams... So, this past spring, I gave up! If I can't stay on my food plan, why even try? If I can't remember to get to the gym or exercise, even a little, why even worry about it? I was content to let my diabetes take my life, little by little and the eventual result would be me, going to heaven to live in paradise, without any reminders of how much of a failure I'd been, in my earthly life! Well, me out of control where food is involved, is not a pretty picture! I've gained over 60 lbs......In less than a year!! I hated myself for it! In my mind, I was the most disgusting creature ever created!! I have seen the end results of women giving up, in my family.....It's not a pretty or pleasant picture! It's painful and it's sad. It causes other people to hurt! The other day, I came across this scripture....“But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."Isaiah 43:18-19 (NLT) I have to forget? Really God? You want me to forget? Can I forget? Am I willing to let go of the excuses I use to not have faith and strength? Lemme tell you friends, when you seek, with an open heart, God will provide you with those open doors......This is a pretty cut and dried commandment!! I've realized that I don't have to be a failure...That God doesn't see that, in me....He sees only my potential! So from today forward, I say Get thee behind me, failure....You're not living in my house, anymore! I wash my hands of your memory and I forget how you've made me feel. God said it and I believe it and that settles it for me!!
Number Two....Losing a friend hurts more than a thousand beatings!
This holiday season, I lost a friend! Not lost as in they moved away or passed away...Lost as in we argued, words were said in anger and out of hurt and frustration and we parted. When I realized what I'd done, I wrote my friend a card, apologizing, asking forgiveness and granting forgiveness.....I had really hoped that my dear friend would respond, even if only by written word....But she hasn't and I miss her, so very much! Apparently, I was not important enough to her....That she doesn't love me as I love her. Pray for me, as I continue to grieve over the loss of my sister in Christ. She is still dear to me and that place in my heart that was her, will always feel empty. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Number 3....You have to start somewhere.....
Today, I set out, once again, to climb my Everest. My weight bothers me and it keeps me from doing and being everything God has planned for me. I am an addict! I am addicted to food! Like narcotics and illegal drugs, food is poison to me. Well, not all food, but a big part of the food I love, as a diabetic, is!! It calls to me....It lies to me....It makes me believe that it's my friend and will cure all of my hurts....I don't mean talking Twinkies, but you get my drift.... I have seen the devastating effect of gravid obesity first hand! It kills...slowly and painfully. Society is not kind to fat people, either! People stare, make hurtful comments, pass judgment and discriminate. I know that God accepts me, for who I am....and I know that there are people in my life, who love me fat, skinny or purple with green spots sporting two heads and a peg leg.....My beautiful and talented friend Laura.....my angel Bebe.....my outspoken sister in Christ Pat....My wonderful husband and my daughter.....my purloined older brother, Pastor Dave.....my soul sister Gloria...My oldest and dearest friend Rosemary. My weight only describes me, it does not define me!! I am strong and passionate about my place in the world....I am willful and stubborn, I love to sing and listen to people's stories! I love deeply and forgive quickly.....I love to smile and laugh and make other people smile and laugh! Like Transformers, I am more than meets the eye! My friends, it is time! This is not what God has planned for me and I'm only interested in His best, for me and my life and the lives of those who will be touched by mine! I'm back to low carbing the Atkins way.....I stayed on plan, perfectly, today (Yay me!) and I went back to the gym, this afternoon. I only stayed for a half an hour, but I went and that's what's most important! This is my Everest. The tallest and most treacherous mountain I will ever climb....the most harrowing journey I will ever take!! This may be a climb for me, but the view's great and in the end, I will touch the top of the world!!
Everything around here is great!! Mark is working the night shift this week, so it's just Mariah and myself here, in the evening. I like the quiet and the opportunity to spend quality time with my daughter. She is so full of light and mirth, she makes my heart happy....she makes my feet want to dance!! God has blessed our family abundantly and I continue to praise Him with honest thanksgiving, for everything He's blessed us with....Thankfully, the bills are almost all caught up!! Mark is still in love with his job!! He calls it his dream job, the job he's waited his whole life to have! I am so very proud of him and his accomplishments! For the first time in a long time, we are taking a family trip....At the end of February, we are going to spend the weekend in Midpines at the Yosemite Bug Rustic Mountain Resort....My good friends Shay and Michael Black (two of the three Black Brothers...) will be playing (they're Irish folk musicians) at The Irish Fest Weekend, held there, at the resort! We're all looking forward to that....I hope there's not too much snow! Mark and Mariah both have birthdays next month, so we decided to take a trip to celebrate! We haven't had the opportunity to see Shay and Michael since the Calaveras Celtic Faire in 2007.
I apologize if I've been long winded....I'm trying desperately to become undiscombobulated and I have a lot on my mind.....Anyhoo, enjoy your evening and love as He loves!!
In Him,
Lisa
It's been a while I know and I apologize for that!! I have been at war within myself for the past six weeks or so! I have been outta touch with just about everyone in my life....My self imposed exile has taught me a thing or two about my life. Number one...I am not a failure. Number two....losing a friend hurts more than a thousand beatings. Number three....You have to start somewhere. To those of you who I might have hurt, in our time apart, I am sorry and I ask your forgiveness! I am not going to explain to you, what brought on my heartache.....those of you closest to me, already know and I am trying to put the whole fiasco behind me, where it belongs. It takes time and patience, but I'll get there....a journey of a million miles still starts with one single step!
Here's what I have to say......
Number one.....I am not a failure!!
For as long as I can remember, when I think of my childhood and early adulthood, I was told that I was a failure, that I'd never amount to anything and that I would always be a failure. I heard this from my parents, my siblings and my grandparents. Tell me, how can a person believe in themselves, when all that's been pounded into their heads for so long, was how horrible they are and how much of a screw up, they've become (were/are/will be)? The odds are not good!! I began to believe that about myself!! Every time I cheated on my food plan, every time I didn't exercise or go to the gym, every day my house remained a sloppy mess.....I was a failure, doomed to live the rest of my life, the way my family predicted! I believed them. I let them steal my joy from me...my hope, my dreams... So, this past spring, I gave up! If I can't stay on my food plan, why even try? If I can't remember to get to the gym or exercise, even a little, why even worry about it? I was content to let my diabetes take my life, little by little and the eventual result would be me, going to heaven to live in paradise, without any reminders of how much of a failure I'd been, in my earthly life! Well, me out of control where food is involved, is not a pretty picture! I've gained over 60 lbs......In less than a year!! I hated myself for it! In my mind, I was the most disgusting creature ever created!! I have seen the end results of women giving up, in my family.....It's not a pretty or pleasant picture! It's painful and it's sad. It causes other people to hurt! The other day, I came across this scripture....“But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."Isaiah 43:18-19 (NLT) I have to forget? Really God? You want me to forget? Can I forget? Am I willing to let go of the excuses I use to not have faith and strength? Lemme tell you friends, when you seek, with an open heart, God will provide you with those open doors......This is a pretty cut and dried commandment!! I've realized that I don't have to be a failure...That God doesn't see that, in me....He sees only my potential! So from today forward, I say Get thee behind me, failure....You're not living in my house, anymore! I wash my hands of your memory and I forget how you've made me feel. God said it and I believe it and that settles it for me!!
Number Two....Losing a friend hurts more than a thousand beatings!
This holiday season, I lost a friend! Not lost as in they moved away or passed away...Lost as in we argued, words were said in anger and out of hurt and frustration and we parted. When I realized what I'd done, I wrote my friend a card, apologizing, asking forgiveness and granting forgiveness.....I had really hoped that my dear friend would respond, even if only by written word....But she hasn't and I miss her, so very much! Apparently, I was not important enough to her....That she doesn't love me as I love her. Pray for me, as I continue to grieve over the loss of my sister in Christ. She is still dear to me and that place in my heart that was her, will always feel empty. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Number 3....You have to start somewhere.....
Today, I set out, once again, to climb my Everest. My weight bothers me and it keeps me from doing and being everything God has planned for me. I am an addict! I am addicted to food! Like narcotics and illegal drugs, food is poison to me. Well, not all food, but a big part of the food I love, as a diabetic, is!! It calls to me....It lies to me....It makes me believe that it's my friend and will cure all of my hurts....I don't mean talking Twinkies, but you get my drift.... I have seen the devastating effect of gravid obesity first hand! It kills...slowly and painfully. Society is not kind to fat people, either! People stare, make hurtful comments, pass judgment and discriminate. I know that God accepts me, for who I am....and I know that there are people in my life, who love me fat, skinny or purple with green spots sporting two heads and a peg leg.....My beautiful and talented friend Laura.....my angel Bebe.....my outspoken sister in Christ Pat....My wonderful husband and my daughter.....my purloined older brother, Pastor Dave.....my soul sister Gloria...My oldest and dearest friend Rosemary. My weight only describes me, it does not define me!! I am strong and passionate about my place in the world....I am willful and stubborn, I love to sing and listen to people's stories! I love deeply and forgive quickly.....I love to smile and laugh and make other people smile and laugh! Like Transformers, I am more than meets the eye! My friends, it is time! This is not what God has planned for me and I'm only interested in His best, for me and my life and the lives of those who will be touched by mine! I'm back to low carbing the Atkins way.....I stayed on plan, perfectly, today (Yay me!) and I went back to the gym, this afternoon. I only stayed for a half an hour, but I went and that's what's most important! This is my Everest. The tallest and most treacherous mountain I will ever climb....the most harrowing journey I will ever take!! This may be a climb for me, but the view's great and in the end, I will touch the top of the world!!
Everything around here is great!! Mark is working the night shift this week, so it's just Mariah and myself here, in the evening. I like the quiet and the opportunity to spend quality time with my daughter. She is so full of light and mirth, she makes my heart happy....she makes my feet want to dance!! God has blessed our family abundantly and I continue to praise Him with honest thanksgiving, for everything He's blessed us with....Thankfully, the bills are almost all caught up!! Mark is still in love with his job!! He calls it his dream job, the job he's waited his whole life to have! I am so very proud of him and his accomplishments! For the first time in a long time, we are taking a family trip....At the end of February, we are going to spend the weekend in Midpines at the Yosemite Bug Rustic Mountain Resort....My good friends Shay and Michael Black (two of the three Black Brothers...) will be playing (they're Irish folk musicians) at The Irish Fest Weekend, held there, at the resort! We're all looking forward to that....I hope there's not too much snow! Mark and Mariah both have birthdays next month, so we decided to take a trip to celebrate! We haven't had the opportunity to see Shay and Michael since the Calaveras Celtic Faire in 2007.
I apologize if I've been long winded....I'm trying desperately to become undiscombobulated and I have a lot on my mind.....Anyhoo, enjoy your evening and love as He loves!!
In Him,
Lisa
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