Come, Holy Spirit, I need you......

Hi-dee Ho, Blog fans....
I've missed a couple of days....Had a couple of set-backs, but no worries, I'm still strong and on track....Learning to bounce back has never been my strong suit! I've always been okay with letting things get to me, letting things take me down and leave me broken and bleeding.....Not now, though!! It seems, the stronger I feel, the harder the enemy fights to bring me down....I'm not about to let Satan's grimey hands ruin everything I've been trying to accomplish.....everything I'm working so hard to attain!!

So here's how it all went down!!

Friday morning, Mark and I get up at 5:30 am (after having gone to bed at nearly 2 am) and we get Mariah up and rolling towards getting to school. Just before she leaves, I was commenting on how many programs Mark has been recording on the DVR and he looked at me, from the computer and told me that if I didn't like it, I was free to leave....that I knew where the door was and how to use it. In one sentence, the enemy had me in chains, broken, bleeding and nearly destroyed. The one thing I fear, above having to leave my home and return to the home of my father, is Mark forcing me to leave my home and our marriage like he tried to do, back in 2007. The six months of emotional estrangement I experienced with Mark was the second most trying thing I've ever endured. The words he said, which were straight from the mouth of the enemy, brought back so many unhappy and terrifying memories of infidelity, hurt and abandonment! I cried for a long time, thinking about what he'd said, all those years ago. When we went back to bed, after Mariah went off to the bus stop, what's the first thing that happened? I dreamed that Mark's ex-girlfriend Terri had taken a knife and cut up my face, leaving me to bleed, while she and Mark stood there and laughed at me. (Terri was the person Mark was planning on replacing me with, after he forced me to leave my home and my life) I let the enemy bring me down, but I didn't divert from my food plan and I still got myself to the gym, after Mark went to work and I did my full 30 minutes on the bike! When I asked God what He wanted me to learn from this, His answer was very clear.....Lisa, you need to learn to love yourself, despite the world around you and you need to FORGET.

Last night, Saturday, I got another blow from the enemy!! I went outside late, to take the dog out, just before bed and I heard our neighbor, Shane, yelling at his seven year old son, Robby. He was angry. Angry yelling terrifies me, beyond all thought.... Apparently Robby'd lied to him and he was mercilessly posing question after question to the little guy....."Why did you lie? Why do you always lie? Lying is wrong, why do you do it?" and Robby cried and pleaded back to him...."I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Daddy, I won't do it again, I promise!" I don't know if he ended up spanking the poor kid, I had to go back inside or face getting sick all over my front yard. The memory of pleading with my own father, to remove the threat of the beating I would undoubtedly receive or at least lessen it's severity, was fresh in my mind, as if it were happening then and there, to me....I hurried inside to Mark and fell into his embrace, weeping and shaking....He promised me, that as he was my partner and my love, he was also my protector...that he would never allow anyone to hurt me, like that, again. As I went upstairs, to get ready for bed, I asked God again, what He needed me to learn from this......God always answers my seeking and I was not surprised when He said...."Lisa, the past is gone, best just forget it....Leave your protection in My hands and know that this is for My glory" I was surprised though, that the first thing that happened, as I fell asleep, in bed was that I woke up, after just having fallen to sleep, to Mark throwing my hand off of him, as I dug my fingernails into his side. I dreamed that I was on the floor, in my childhood home and my father was standing above me, beating me with is belt.....Even though I was frightened, I had had it, clear up to my eyeballs with this trickery and rot! I wasn't taking this anymore....I started to sing, in my head, " Come Holy Spirit, I need you....Come Sweet Spirit, I pray....Come in Thy strength and Thy power....Come in Thine own gentle way." I felt the Holy Spirit descend upon me and I fell into sleep, easily and was not troubled by anymore scary dreams.....

These past couple of days have been a bit on the difficult side, for me....Having to stand against the assault of the strongman....Having to face my most terrifying fears and memories was not fun. But, through it all, I didn't turn to my false comforter, food.....Both times, I called upon the Lord and He sent His healing rain. I relied on Him, for His strength....Both incidents, this weekend, have proven to me, that the need to forget my past is strong. At church today, I asked Pastor Dave, if I could resume my counseling and he said I could....I'll see him now, Thursdays at 1:30.....I know that I am in for a long haul with this, but it has to be done! I can no longer let the tragedies from my past determine what and who I will become in the future.....I will no longer relive the past and I cannot allow those who mistreated me, broke my spirit and my heart, stole my youth, my dreams and my hope...to steal the joy that I feel as a wife, a mother and servant of the Most High. I will not allow it!! The lamb has become the lioness and she is highly honked off!!

So, my prayer for Friday was to get through the weekend, without cheating! I made it! We went out to eat at Perko's on Saturday night and I was so proud of myself....I stayed on my plan and I didn't have to spend an arm, a leg and two eyeballs to do it!! I need to remember to carry my liquid Stevia with me, when I eat out though....I hate black coffee and since I cannot have caffeine, Nutra Sweet or sugar or any sort of powdered sweetener, my choice of drinks is rather limited!! I can have decaf or water.....Here at home, I drink decaf Ice Tea with Stevia or liquid Splenda or Shasta soda..Grapefruit, Root Beer and Creme Soda....all caffeine free and sweetened with Splenda....I can also have Diet Rite and Hansens, but Shasta is cheaper...we got it for $2.58 a twelve pack at Food for Less. I have a difficult time on the weekends...Mark and Mariah are both home and I don't want to hold them back, because I cannot eat what they can and I don't want to feel left out because I cannot eat what they can. This time, though, I stayed strong and I kept my resolve.....I put my trust in God and let Him hold me up and keep me strong...I forgot what it felt like to cheat and I forgot what it felt like to fail. I was happy to finally feel what it was like to succeed. What a sweet sweet feeling....It was truly a healing rain!

I am looking forward to this next two weeks. Mark is back to day shift, so we'll have him home in the evenings. I am starting counseling again, so I don't have to shoulder this burden alone, any longer and I have a whole new week of learning, ahead of me.....Please remember me, in your prayers.....

I hope this weekend has been good for each one of you.....

Love as He loves.....

In Him,
Lisa