Finding my own Everest....

Good Evening, Webbie Friends.....
It's been a while I know and I apologize for that!! I have been at war within myself for the past six weeks or so! I have been outta touch with just about everyone in my life....My self imposed exile has taught me a thing or two about my life. Number one...I am not a failure. Number two....losing a friend hurts more than a thousand beatings. Number three....You have to start somewhere. To those of you who I might have hurt, in our time apart, I am sorry and I ask your forgiveness! I am not going to explain to you, what brought on my heartache.....those of you closest to me, already know and I am trying to put the whole fiasco behind me, where it belongs. It takes time and patience, but I'll get there....a journey of a million miles still starts with one single step!

Here's what I have to say......

Number one.....I am not a failure!!

For as long as I can remember, when I think of my childhood and early adulthood, I was told that I was a failure, that I'd never amount to anything and that I would always be a failure. I heard this from my parents, my siblings and my grandparents. Tell me, how can a person believe in themselves, when all that's been pounded into their heads for so long, was how horrible they are and how much of a screw up, they've become (were/are/will be)? The odds are not good!! I began to believe that about myself!! Every time I cheated on my food plan, every time I didn't exercise or go to the gym, every day my house remained a sloppy mess.....I was a failure, doomed to live the rest of my life, the way my family predicted! I believed them. I let them steal my joy from me...my hope, my dreams... So, this past spring, I gave up! If I can't stay on my food plan, why even try? If I can't remember to get to the gym or exercise, even a little, why even worry about it? I was content to let my diabetes take my life, little by little and the eventual result would be me, going to heaven to live in paradise, without any reminders of how much of a failure I'd been, in my earthly life! Well, me out of control where food is involved, is not a pretty picture! I've gained over 60 lbs......In less than a year!! I hated myself for it! In my mind, I was the most disgusting creature ever created!! I have seen the end results of women giving up, in my family.....It's not a pretty or pleasant picture! It's painful and it's sad. It causes other people to hurt! The other day, I came across this scripture....“But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."Isaiah 43:18-19 (NLT) I have to forget? Really God? You want me to forget? Can I forget? Am I willing to let go of the excuses I use to not have faith and strength? Lemme tell you friends, when you seek, with an open heart, God will provide you with those open doors......This is a pretty cut and dried commandment!! I've realized that I don't have to be a failure...That God doesn't see that, in me....He sees only my potential! So from today forward, I say Get thee behind me, failure....You're not living in my house, anymore! I wash my hands of your memory and I forget how you've made me feel. God said it and I believe it and that settles it for me!!

Number Two....Losing a friend hurts more than a thousand beatings!
This holiday season, I lost a friend! Not lost as in they moved away or passed away...Lost as in we argued, words were said in anger and out of hurt and frustration and we parted. When I realized what I'd done, I wrote my friend a card, apologizing, asking forgiveness and granting forgiveness.....I had really hoped that my dear friend would respond, even if only by written word....But she hasn't and I miss her, so very much! Apparently, I was not important enough to her....That she doesn't love me as I love her. Pray for me, as I continue to grieve over the loss of my sister in Christ. She is still dear to me and that place in my heart that was her, will always feel empty. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Number 3....You have to start somewhere.....

Today, I set out, once again, to climb my Everest. My weight bothers me and it keeps me from doing and being everything God has planned for me. I am an addict! I am addicted to food! Like narcotics and illegal drugs, food is poison to me. Well, not all food, but a big part of the food I love, as a diabetic, is!! It calls to me....It lies to me....It makes me believe that it's my friend and will cure all of my hurts....I don't mean talking Twinkies, but you get my drift.... I have seen the devastating effect of gravid obesity first hand! It kills...slowly and painfully. Society is not kind to fat people, either! People stare, make hurtful comments, pass judgment and discriminate. I know that God accepts me, for who I am....and I know that there are people in my life, who love me fat, skinny or purple with green spots sporting two heads and a peg leg.....My beautiful and talented friend Laura.....my angel Bebe.....my outspoken sister in Christ Pat....My wonderful husband and my daughter.....my purloined older brother, Pastor Dave.....my soul sister Gloria...My oldest and dearest friend Rosemary. My weight only describes me, it does not define me!! I am strong and passionate about my place in the world....I am willful and stubborn, I love to sing and listen to people's stories! I love deeply and forgive quickly.....I love to smile and laugh and make other people smile and laugh! Like Transformers, I am more than meets the eye! My friends, it is time! This is not what God has planned for me and I'm only interested in His best, for me and my life and the lives of those who will be touched by mine! I'm back to low carbing the Atkins way.....I stayed on plan, perfectly, today (Yay me!) and I went back to the gym, this afternoon. I only stayed for a half an hour, but I went and that's what's most important! This is my Everest. The tallest and most treacherous mountain I will ever climb....the most harrowing journey I will ever take!! This may be a climb for me, but the view's great and in the end, I will touch the top of the world!!
Everything around here is great!! Mark is working the night shift this week, so it's just Mariah and myself here, in the evening. I like the quiet and the opportunity to spend quality time with my daughter. She is so full of light and mirth, she makes my heart happy....she makes my feet want to dance!! God has blessed our family abundantly and I continue to praise Him with honest thanksgiving, for everything He's blessed us with....Thankfully, the bills are almost all caught up!! Mark is still in love with his job!! He calls it his dream job, the job he's waited his whole life to have! I am so very proud of him and his accomplishments! For the first time in a long time, we are taking a family trip....At the end of February, we are going to spend the weekend in Midpines at the Yosemite Bug Rustic Mountain Resort....My good friends Shay and Michael Black (two of the three Black Brothers...) will be playing (they're Irish folk musicians) at The Irish Fest Weekend, held there, at the resort! We're all looking forward to that....I hope there's not too much snow! Mark and Mariah both have birthdays next month, so we decided to take a trip to celebrate! We haven't had the opportunity to see Shay and Michael since the Calaveras Celtic Faire in 2007.

I apologize if I've been long winded....I'm trying desperately to become undiscombobulated and I have a lot on my mind.....Anyhoo, enjoy your evening and love as He loves!!

In Him,
Lisa