Conundrum

Who actually knows the meaning of this word?

I thought I did...turns out, I was way off base.

Miriam -Webster defines conundrum as an intricate and difficult problem.

I am in the midst of a conundrum! For some reason, over the past couple of weeks, I have been suffering with frequent panic attacks. I can't figure it out! Sure, I'm worried about the normal things poor people worry about....finances, Mark and his somewhat dangerous job, raising my daughter up to be a contributing and loving member of society....you know, normal stuff!!

I have been doing so well with improving my health and my attitude and here comes Satan, adding more gravy to my plate and it's not the fat free kind, either. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I mean old Stan does have a way of fighting hardest when a breakthrough is about to be made! When someone is about to add another brick of gold to our Heavenly Father's kingdom! I am gaining control of my mind, so that I'm turning to God instead of turning to food. I'm turning disobedience into victorious living, in the name of my Savior. So I say to you Stan, get thee behind me and just go back to the rock from which you crawled out from. In Jesus' name I warn you, get outta my way, cause my freight train is coming through.....

Panic, for me, comes on suddenly.....my heart begins to beat irregularly, it affects the way I breathe and the way I think. It takes over my mind, making me think I'm having a heart attack or helping me to believe that I am crazy, after all and what the heck kinda right does a crazy person have, living or at least trying so desperately to live, a normal life. Panic makes me want to run away and hide from the terror that's overtaken my mind....It makes me want to drop everything and flee....Luckily, they almost always happen at home, where I am contained and no one has to see me act like a complete loon....Praise the Lord for my incredibly patient husband, my loving sister and my very understanding daughter. They have held my hand through many a rough patch....More importantly, I am thankful to my friend Jesus, who hold my erratically beating human heart in Hands and the heart of my soul, close to His and whispers, 'Peace be still for I am with you'

Job 36:15-16.
But those who suffer He delivers in their suffering; He speaks to them in their affliction. He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction….

God is bigger than panic attacks and He's way bigger than Stan, that crafty snake!

I want to be delivered from the jaws of distress to a spacious place, free from affliction....He sets me free to run, through fields of laughter and to sing as though I have no yesterdays....and He sets me free from my befores and afters, from a debt I know I'll never come close to paying....When He sets me free to fly to soar to places I've not been before, the boundaries of humanity cannot contain what He sets free.....( I borrowed much of that last grossly run on sentence from Ms Sandy Patty....Thanks sister, you've always inspired me)

What I'm trying to convey is yes, I have a conundrum...but I also have a way of escape and His name is Jesus. I will not be destroyed...yes, I may have to wait and rest....but life's a climb, but the views great and I have the best of companions on my journey.....

Draw close to Him in your times of need, my friends. He's the only friend you'll ever have who will NEVER EVER leave you.....And when you cannot find your feet or your legs, He'll carry you in His everlasting arms....

The week is starting off a bit on the rocky side....I've been fighting an attack for a couple of hours and I am finally feeling some relief. Praise you, Jesus.

Well, I'd best be off to other things, Mark needs the computer and then I need to get us to bed. I love night shift, but at the end of the night, I'm rather poopered!!

Love each other as He loves....

Blessings in Him,
Lisa

PS Sorry about the irregular fonts....Blogger is being a booger.

Letting Go....

Good Afternoon sports fans.....Is everyone ready for the Superbowl on Sunday? We were invited to a friends house for a Superbowl Party, but we decided just to spend the day, after church, at home. Just the three of us.....There are a couple of reasons for this....One, with the holidays behind us, we need a break from all the parties and celebrations....Two, with all of my nutritional issues, it's a lot easier for me, to skip the parties and the volumes of inappropriate temptations and just stay home. In the past, we've had great fun, with our friends, but I am so limited in what I can eat and drink right now, it's just better for me to let this one pass. I am grateful to our friends for inviting us, but I'm doing so well on my plan, I don't want to derail all of my progress for one afternoon of careless eating.

Letting go of the things we love is difficult. But sometimes, it becomes necessary for health or monetary reasons. I am not used to letting things go....I resist it, vehemently. I want what I want and I want it now!! When I was diagnosed for the second time, with diabetes, in 2003, I was told to give up sugars and carbohydrates. Did I listen? What do you think? You're right, I didn't listen at all. Things went down, slowly, from there. Food is my addiction....my course of study, my pastime and my hobby....Food helps me connect with people, is a source of pride and something I excel at. It defines me and separates me from my piers, because food is something I'm good at. It's also my sin and my wicked indulgence and right now, food is my enemy! I have overindulged my wickedness, all my life with food. I've defiled my temple....sullied the house of my God and ruined what He bought, with the blood of His precious Son. All is not lost though, I am happy to serve a God of second chances ( and thirds and fourths and fifths....) And as I think, sometimes, how I've failed Him, He whispers sweetly to me...Lisa, this is all for My glory, so that others may see how you'll turn your failure, into My victory!!

1 Corinthians 6:20
For you were bought at a price; so therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.

1 Corinthians 11:29
For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgement on himself.

God has a funny way of getting His message across to me.....Most of the time, He has to hit me on the back of the head, with a two-by-four to get me to listen and to heed! I'm just that stubborn!! I started to see that two-by-four a couple of years ago, when I was thoroughly addicted to coffee tea and diet Coke. My heart would race and beat irregularly.....I thought, originally, that it was all due to panic attacks. It wasn't! I'd become caffeine sensitive. So I switched to decaf and caffeine free diet soda. The two-by-four swung again, when I developed edema in my feet and ankles and my blood pressure became elevated, caused by the amount of sodium in my diet. I have always loved salt and as an avid sprinkler, I was eating three or four times the amount of sodium needed, each day.....and let's not even talk about the fat two-by four....When I found, this past December that my cholesterol was too high, I felt the crack of that board on the back of my head, once again. All of these things were tantamount to the destruction of God's temple, inside of me.....

Like I said, letting go is never easy, but the victory I feel is so wonderfully sweet. I am now tearing down that stronghold, brick by brick and learning to live in joy, rather than shame and regret....I have let go of my addiction to caffeine and now, I drink only water and decaf coffee, every now and again. Recently, I've discovered that my body cannot handle decaf green or black teas either....so I've resolved myself to only herbals. I've let go of all canned sodas and flavored drink mixes as well, because it looks like I'm sensitive to aspartame as well. In some people, aspartame can actually hinder or even stop weight loss. I've let go of the high sodium levels in my diet....I'm still a sprinkler, but I've traded my salt for Mrs. Dash or Potassium Chloride. Things don't taste the same, but I am feeling better and the victory I feel when I don't reach for the salt is amazing. I'm letting go of high fat foods, in favor of lower fat alternatives and that's different, but I'll trade in the fat for a smaller body, any day!! I've given up eating past seven o'clock in the evening, as well.....I've found that I get acid reflux that lasts close to twenty four hours the next day, when I eat past seven......Letting things go does not mean saying goodbye! It means making informed decisions and thinking, instead of just giving in to the temptation to sin.....It means following God, as opposed to letting the enemy take your hand and lead you down the pathway to destruction.....

All of these things are and have been a big component of my weight loss....and if letting go means more years with my precious Mark and Mariah, my sisters Darcie and Tara and all of my numerous friends and loved ones, I'll chose it. If letting go means I can finally be proud of who I am and stop feeling like the failure I was made to think I was, growing up, I'll chose it. If letting go means I can face God, on that day, with my head held high, as He says 'Well done, My good and faithful servant' I'll chose it....I am stronger now, letting go, than I ever was, holding on.

Today has been quiet for me....and I am glad it's Friday. Mark goes back to nights on Monday and we'll live that schedule for two weeks....I get to spend more quality time with Mark, when he's on nights and I thank God for that, daily! Mariah's sixteenth birthday is next Friday (the 10th) and we're taking her out for pizza at Johns Incredible Pizza, in Modesto to celebrate and then going to Target in Riverbank for a midnight release party, to pick up our Blu-Ray copy of Breaking Dawn Part 1. Anyone who's interested in meeting us there, is more than welcome to come. I'm making a huge Red Velvet Birthday cake for her....We haven't decided on an official time, that will come in the next few days!!

Well, I'm off like a dirty shirt.....I have things I need to do and I need to put my feet up for a bit. So have a great weekend friends and I'll talk to ya soon.....Love each other as He loves....
Blessings in Him,
Lisa

In This Life,,,,,

Good Afternoon friends,
I know it's been a while and I really have no excuse for not posting! I haven't been excessively busy or anything...I have been lazy!
I last posted at the end of August and things have definitely been happening (duh, Lisa!!) in our lives...September and October were relatively quiet for us....November, however, was a GREAT month. In November, we (Mariah and I) went with Darcie, down to Los Angeles for another trip to Disneyland, for a couple of days and then headed to West Los Angeles for The Twilight Breaking Dawn Convention, at the Hyatt Regency Century City!! What a trip!! Some of you are rolling your eyes and shaking your heads, right now, but in our house, Twilight anything is a big deal!! Mark and I find that it's a way to connect with our sixteen year old daughter and it's something we can do together, as a family. It's important to me, to be able to connect with Mariah and share something that we both love.....I never had that with my parents and it's something I want, for my daughter and myself. We met some lovely people and made a quite a few new friends....We made memories that will last us a lifetime. I am thankful for the time I got to spend with Darcie and Mariah....and meeting a bunch of my new Twi-sisters was a big big highlight of the trip. The convention itself was a blast....We got to sit and listen to a large number of the stars talk about their lives and their experiences while filming the movies, we got to meet some of the stars, themselves, we attended a ball and got to dress up (Something we don't ever get to do, in real life) We laughed and laughed and I got to sit in the same general vicinity of my two favorite film stars, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson! I had the time of my life and I got to experience something I have never done before. We're planning on going back to the convention, this year, but this time, Mark is going....along with Mariah, Darcie and Darcie's cousin Jerrica. I'm looking forward to seeing all of my Twi-sisters and just getting to be among a large group of women (and a few men) who are just like me....a lot of them, waaaaay more obsessed than I am (yes, such people do exist in the world, at large)
The ten days following the Con were fraught with anticipation for the release of Breaking Dawn Part 1, on the 18th.....We went to the midnight show, on November 17th/18th and brought our favorite neighbors, Shane and Sandra with us....We had so much fun, even though it was freezing cold. Mark took the next day off of work, so that we were able to stay out and not have to worry about when we got home. To me, the movie, the first time was a big disappointment! They left out quite a bit and the film was just lacking in the vibrancy and energy that the other three films had. (I did see it three more times, after that and it did get better) I loved the soundtrack though....Funnily enough! I'm not one to listen to Top 40ish/mainstream pop music, but I really did love the soundtrack.
Also in November, my little blue gumdrop of a car gave up the ghost and died.....Not wanting to repair and replace and truss up with duct tape and bailing wire, Darcie helped us get my mini-van repaired, so now, I'm driving around in my Taxi-Tank again and quite happily, I have to admit!! I missed not having a working stereo, cruise control and cup holders for the last five years....
In December, I went back to the doctor for tests and in regards to some female difficulties I was having.....I won't regale you on those issues, there are things even I won't talk about in a public forum....not many, I admit, but there are some things that just need to be kept quiet. Dr. Star took 4 vials of my blood and then a week later, was yelling at me for my crappy cholesterol numbers and all that....I've been suffering from edema in my feet and ankles for way too many years and I'm really tired of being fat and making excuses for my poor health, as related to my weight....The picture at the top is Mark and I in July.....At the time, I was wearing a size 28 pants and weighed 340 lbs.....Not good!! I went back to low carbing....My total cholesterol, in July was 210....about 10 points too high....When I went to the doc in December, my weight was 299 and I was wearing a size 24 or 26....but my cholesterol was up to 278.....This hit me hard and I was quite scared. After talking with Dr. Star, I decided that I'd try the Weight Watchers program again! Atkins was working, but I needed to stop the upward climb of my cholesterol. I also asked for a referral to the weight management program at the hospital and three weeks later, I went to see Jim Warner at the hospital....I weighed in at 286 and was wearing a size 24....I don't know what my weight is today....I'll go and weigh in with Jim again, next Thursday....What I do know is that I am now wearing a size 22/20 and I was able to wear my smallest jeans, a pair of Old Navy flirts on Sunday, without laying on my bed and doing the fat girl crawl, to get them buttoned and zipped.....Let's face it kids, the pants don't lie.....I also tried on my size 22 Levis and they fit too..It's my first pair of fitting Levis since 1987.....Needless to say, I'm very happy, overjoyed even, with my progress....I won't have any new pictures til the end of the month, but I'll keep you updated with the numbers....
At the end of the month, the girls (Tara and Darcie) and I are going back down to Los Angeles.,...a trip to Universal Studios Hollywood and Disneyland, to celebrate Darcie's birthday! It's going to be a fun trip as I will not have to be a wife or mom, at all, for five days....Mark and Mariah are staying home. I'm looking forward to no responsibility and spending the time with my girls.....We're also meeting up with some of our southern Twi-sisters for dinner one night and I'm really looking forward to that! We haven't had a trip, just the three of us, in a lot of years, so reliving the moments of our younger days together, when we took these trips, three times a year is going to be such fun!
God is blessing us so richly, too, as a family....We share such closeness! Mark just had his one year anniversary, with his job and is still loving it, everyday! I am so very proud to share the days with him, as his best friend and his wife. Mariah is doing excellently in school and has begun to make preparations for her future career....She wants to study either engineering or something to do with children....as she is a sophomore, this year, she still has time to investigate things further....she is still entertaining the thoughts of being a chef, as well. The biggest battle we have with Mariah is her cell phone....the child is permanently attached to that thing! All in all, though, I couldn't be happier with the young woman she is becoming....She's well mannered, well spoken and never ever creates a ruckus! She is not your typical teenaged girl and I praise God daily, for allowing us to tuck her into our lives.....Being her mom is my greatest accomplishment and my second greatest joy. Second only to being a servant to the most High and my husband!! And even though she did not grow under my heart, she has grown in it. I love her as if she had grown inside me....Mark's son Donovan is now living in California, with his maternal grandparents, helping them to prepare to sell their house and move from San Jose to Vacaville. He only planned on staying for three months, but it looks as if he's going to be staying in California and living with his uncle, after his work with his grandparents is done. There is a deep canyon between Donovan and I and I am praying for a way to fix things, so that he can become a part of our family. Pray for us, friends! The damage done has hurt both of us and only God can bring the sides of that chasm together and heal the damage done.
Well, it seems as though I have gone on and on, for days, so I'll close for now.....Have a wonderful evening friends and love each other as He loves!!
Blessings in Him,
Lisa

Get Over It......

Good Morning lovely friends and neighbors....

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood and I find myself happy and anxious for the gifts that today will bring. Life is good!

Mariah is back at school, so I am alone for the most part, during the day! Though I relish in the quiet comfort of home, at times, I am quiet lonely. It's all good, though, I have lots to keep me occupied....Thankfully, this is Mark's last week of day shift and next week, we go back to nights. I like it when he works nights....Mark and I actually get more time together and I get to spend quality time with my daughter, in the evenings.

God has been blessing me with better health and I am happy about that. I do, though, still have a compressed nerve in my left trapezious (the muscle on top of the shoulder blade) that's causing me much aggravation. It hurts, in varying degrees, pretty much all the time. The pain shoots down my left arm and has severely affected the use of my left hand. My pinky and my ring finger are all but useless! It's frustrating, especially when I can't sleep at night. My doc says that it should correct itself with time and rest.

I am still low carbing, with much success....I have been at it for a little more than two months and as of the beginning of the month, I had lost 38 pounds. I do not have a working scale, here at the house and for me, that's a good thing, because I am scale obsessive....I see Doctor Star again in a couple of weeks, I'll have a better idea of how much more I've lost, when I see her again. I also started taking Januvia for my diabetes, about a month ago and so far, I love the effects it has on my condition.

Right now, though, I have become ineligible for gastric bypass surgery! I am losing weight, naturally and my doctor says that gastric is for people who just cannot lose weight on their own.....and that's okay with me. Even with insurance, it's an expensive surgery and I am faithful that God is Greater than my fat! I just need to be faithful to my God and to my life plan and when the world comes in and the enemy is foolin with my mind, I will draw closer to the One who holds my life in His hands. No matter what I think or feel, my life is for His glory! We went to the Alameda County Fair, in early July and I met a woman there, called Barbara. She was selling orthotics. When I told her I was planning on having bypass surgery, she said something to me, that made me think....She said, "You can go and have that surgery....You can have the doctors cut you up and take out parts and rearrange parts, but it will never ever solve the real problem....." It seriously made me think! My problem is my addiction to food and though surgery would make it so that I physically cannot take in as much food and make it so my body doesn't absorb food the way it should, my addiction is still there....I use food as a comforter....as a compatriot....as a shield....as a friend and so much more. I turn to food, when I should be turning to God. I have allowed food to become my false god and that's sin, plain and simple. Surgery or not, I have to solve the problem.....I have used food to cope with many things.....the rejection of my family, my self loathing and self hatred, everyday stuff that just grates at me, my pain and my sadness have all been stuffed to overfill with food. Matthew 11 28-30 spells it out, completely......

Matthew 11:28-30

New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁸ Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

My yoke has NEVER been easy and my burden is NOT light.....It never has been!! But in the midst of it all, here stands Jesus, saying to me....Come to me, Lisa and let me ease your burden. He doesn't tell me to go to the surgeon....He says Come to Me.....In my life, rejection has been keynote and I have never been treated gently (there have been a few...My sweet cousin Ginny, my Auntie Kay, my Pastor Dave, my blessed husband and my cherished daughter, my sisters Laura and Darcie, my own personal angels Bebe and Karen...gentle souls, all of them and a blessing to me, everyday!!)...People have always been really good at pointing out everything that they've seen as being wrong in me....It's made me angry and sad, it's made me judgmental and hurtful and to those whom I have hurt, as a knee-jerk result of dealing with my own hurting heart, I beg forgiveness. I am starting to learn, from Jesus, to take up His yoke and finally, finally find the rest for my soul. Kathy Trocolli sings a song, called "My Life is In Your Hands" and as I listened to it, this morning, hands raised and tears flowing, I realized that my life is truly in His hands....

Life can be so good
Life can be so hard
Never knowing what each day
Will bring to where you are
Sometimes I forget
And sometimes I can't see
That whatever comes my way
You'll be with me

My life is in Your hands
My heart is in Your keeping
I'm never without love
Not when my future is with You

My life is in Your hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
Cause Your love does amazing things
Lord, I know, my life is in Your hands

Nothing is for sure
Nothing is for keeps
All I know is that Your love
Will live eternally
So I will find my way, yes
And I will find my peace
Knowing that You'll meet my every need

My life is in Your hands
My heart is in Your keeping
I'm never without love
Not when my future is withYou

My life is inYour hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
Cause Your love does amazing things
Lord, I know, my life is in Your hands

When I'm at my weakest Lord
You carry me
Then I become my strongest Lord
In Your hands

My life is in Your hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
Cause Your love does amazing things
Lord, I know, my life is in Your hands
I trust you Lord
My life is in Your hands

Such great words.....I am learning to let go of my obsessions with food. I am laying my life in His hands....I've blown it, more than a few times, but it's all in the learning. I don't punish myself for my weakness, I move forward, relying on His strength and again, learning what triggers my disobedience. I am learning to lean and I'm learning to rest. For most of my life, I've seen myself as less....Less worthy of love, less beautiful than others, less important to my loved ones, less necessary than most.....but in His kingdom, I have begun to see myself as MORE.....more than a conqueror through Him who loves me.....Romans chapter 8 Rocks my Socks!!

Well sports fans, this is all for today.....I need to catch a few more Zzzzs!! Take care and love each other, as He loves.....

Many Blessings,

In Him....

Lisa

A Brand New Road and a Little More Faith

Hello Blog Fans....

Happy Monday....It's been a whirl wind of changes, in the past few days. The biggest change for me, is the fact that I will not be having gastric bypass surgery! There are $3000.00 in program fees for this surgery and although we are doing better financially, $3000.00 is still a lot of money!! I tried for financing, but we've been through quite a few rough years and it just isn't possible. At first, I was very down and then, after a long talk with my dear brother, Pastor Dave, I feel a lot better about things.

This is going to be a whole new adventure, for me. I've been down the weight loss/diet road before and I've done well on some and failed at others. This time, I've chosen Richard Simmons Food Mover. Yeah sure, Richard Simmons is a bit of an odd duck....but my mother did really really well on his program once, so I'm thinking it might work for me. I won't be losing handfuls of weight at a time....It won't be dropping off, like mad...But if I'm faithful and honest, it will come off. All this aside, I also got the whole program, unopened and brand new, still in the box, for less that a dollar, at a yard sale that the Murphys Fire Department was having, on Memorial Day weekend.

I swear to goodness, it was providence!! Just when I think I know it all....Just when I think the path for me is lit and free of roadblocks, God comes and reminds me of a few things.

1. Lisa does not know it all......No matter what I think, say or do, I am not omnipresent and there is no way I'll ever know everything until I die and join my Jesus in Heaven.

2. I really feel I was using this surgery for Lisa's glory......and God got tired of reminding me "This is for MY glory, Lisa, not yours"

3. Since I started this quest for surgery and self, I was totally out of control, with my eating. I was out of control.....and I refuse to yield control to God, as well. I am so glad that I can come to my Heavenly Father with a repentant heart and not only be forgiven, but give that control back to God. When this is done, He rejoices with me and loves me all the more, because finally, I'm relying less on my own strength (useless) and leaning on His everlasting arms (glorious).....

4. I do not have to face intubation (this really scares me)....My skin won't sag as much, because my body will be able to adjust naturally, as I lose the weight....I won't lose my hair any faster than I'm losing it today.....I won't have to worry about any embarrassing gastric issues or vitamin deficiencies because my body is able to absorb what it needs from my healthy diet.

5. I will be able to give God glory and show others that with God, faith and support, all things are possible!!

I realize that I was a negative proponent for this type of surgery and I can't say that I wasn't wrong....I was! But this is something I feel, in my heart of hearts, that God wants me to do on my own....Without surgical intervention. The weight didn't get here, overnight and it's not supposed to just fall off, either. I hold absolutely no ill will for anyone who's had or will have weight loss surgery.....But in a lot of ways, I am relieved that God has chosen otherwise, for me. One of Richard Simmons' success stories, a man called Elijah lost 300 lbs and has kept it off for 25 years. Doing it naturally can be successful, if you want it bad enough!! And I do....I want it for me...to be healthy and more able to serve the way I want and need to....I want it to give glory to my King....I want to be an example to others and I want my family to be proud of me......

I know I've been through this, many many times! I guess I'll just have to show you all that this time, I'm serious and I'm going all the way.....Life's a climb, but the view's great!

Please pray for me as I walk through this little narrow gate at the top of the hill......The road below is full of ruts, it's steep and sometimes, it's dark and scary, but at the end, I see glory! I don't know how long it will take me, to get there, but my eyes are fixed on Jesus and I will run in the power of His spirit!

That said, things are going well for us, here in our little hamlet in the hills.....Mariah is out of school for summer....If summer ever arrives! I've wanted to live in the Pacific Northwest for years....Looks like I'm getting my wish and I don't even have to leave home!! Mark is doing well and we are happy and satisfied with our marriage. Life is good for us and I thank God everyday that He fills me with Himself, so that I can love without regard or reserve!

Have a wonderful day, my friends and remember to look for the rainbow above every cloud!!

God is walking me through....Let Him walk you, too!!

Be blessed!
Lisa

Take Joy In the Gift of Today

Good Morning friends,
I have a poster on my bathroom wall, that says "Simple Ways to Bless Your Day" and then it has a list of ways to indeed, bless your day. I have decided that every other day, I will expound on one Simple Way, from that list.....

Today's Simple Way is.....

Drum Roll, please......

TAKE JOY IN THE GIFT OF TODAY

Habakkuk 3:18-19 (NLT)

¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
¹⁹ The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.

I just wrote a blog post on joy, I think....I'm sorry if I seem to be repeating myself!! Joy is so important, this day and age....The world is full of sorrow and angst. As followers of Christ, is it not our duty to bring joy to the people around us? But, how can we bring joy, if we ourselves, have no joy?

For me, joy is the simple act of living in love. It is the endowment of the salvation given to me by my best friend Jesus. The knowledge that for me, the grave is not the end. Everyone has his or her own take on what joy really is.....An answer to prayer....a touch from a loved one...true acceptance....a job promotion....a baby's smile....a good grade on a test....chocolate.....The list is endless and both personal and versatile.

Take joy in the gift of today, huh?

I'm taking the joy in the gift of today by spending an hour on the phone with my friend Rosemary! It was a complete joy to spend time talking about our upcoming surgeries and to help each other through the confusion and the disappointment we've had by the reactions of others. It was a joy to support Rosemary through her pain....It was a joy to once again, feel the strength of our thirty year friendship.

I'm taking joy in the gift of today, by praising the Lord for the calm weather.....It's overcast, but at least the wind isn't blowing and I'm not having to stand up my mailbox and chase my trash cans down the street, looking like a complete and total loon.

I'm taking joy in the gift of today, by cooking meatloaf for Mark and Mariah's dinner, when I myself, despise meatloaf (I'm having Mac N Cheese).

I'm taking joy in the gift of today, by washing my dishes and cleaning my kitchen, because I'd like to think that I'm becoming a better keeper of my home.

I'm taking joy in the gift of today, by looking at the beauty of spring; (memo to me, tomorrow is the day to plant new gladiolus corms) the sudden green of the trees as they robe themselves in leaves, the wild crocus popping up all over...The intense blue of the flowers on my rosemary bush (If anyone needs fresh rosemary, please let me know our bush is getting humongous) hearing the songs of the birds, returned home for the spring.

There's joy everywhere...you just have to look for it and have an open mind, when you find it...Then you need to let it shine through you....

I know it's short today, but it was way long, yesterday!

Love each other as He loves....

In Him,

Lisa

My take on Caterpillars!

Good Afternoon my patient Webbies!!
I have not been writing much and I apologize for my inattentiveness. I have had much to think about over the past few months and I have come to a decision, involving my life and it's present course.

A great many of you know of my past aversion to even the thought of any sort of weight loss surgery.....I have been negatively vocal, loudly and ostentatiously so, most of the time. Well, I have been seeking, watching and praying over this for some time, now and have decided that the safest and most permanent solution to my obesity and diabetes is indeed, gastric bypass surgery. This is a big step for me! I have a friend who had a RNY gastric bypass done in late November and she looks really good. She's happy and her diabetes is gone!! I want that! I want to give my diabetes back! The RNY surgery, though, scares me....They take the stomach and make a 2 oz. pouch out of it....then they bypass a big section of small intestine and then hook the remaining intestine up to the stomach pouch via anastomosis. There can be a lot of complications with that.....Icky complications that I don't even want to think about. In my search for answers, I came up with a totally new question. Is this the only surgery available? Can I get the benefits of a standard RNY surgery and not have all of the ickies.....I know about lap band, but I don't want that one.....I just don't feel right about having a rubber hose wrapped around my tum.

My God is an awesome God.....All it takes is honest praying, from an open and seeking heart and the miracles of Jesus can start!

Matthew 7: 7 and 8......This really says it all......

⁷ “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

God said it and I believe it and that settles it for me!!

So I asked for guidance, one day, I remember the day so clearly....It was March 6th. In my web search, I came across a website extolling the benefits of a surgery called biliopancreatic diversion with duodenal switch gastric bypass. Basically, what this surgery does is reduces the size of the stomach to hold 4 to 5 ounces, the surgeon removes the rest of the stomach following the natural curve of the stomach and reroutes the intestines. During the surgery, they also remove the gall bladder and appendix. The DS surgery has a longer lasting effect on the body and maintains the natural function of the stomach, itself. There are no dietary restrictions, post-op, after the initial healing and the only required supplements are a daily multi vitamin and calcium citrate. Also, with the DS surgery, 99% of diabetic patients achieve complete resolution of their diabetes!!

Yeah buddy!!


I'm thinking about having a going away party for my diabetes!!

God, you are so dang awesome!!

Then I read that there are only 50 doctors in the United States that perform this type of surgery.....Dum dee dum dum......DUMMMMMMM!!!

So I get discouraged for the few seconds it takes me to tell Satan to get his grimy backside behind me, in the name of Jesus.

At that point, I didn't even know what kind of insurance Mark was going to be offered with his new job.....I knew that Kaiser doesn't offer this type of surgery! Mark had to go into the office, that following Monday and I had him ask his people that know stuff like that, what brand of insurance he's going to be getting. It's Blue Cross/Blue Shield.....

OH HAPPY DAY!! OH HAPPY DAAAAAAY........


I check the Blue Cross Website and they cover three types of gastric bypass.....Lap Band....RNY and BPD/DS........

Knock and it will be opened to you!!

Sometime after deciding that I was in it to win it, I talked to Rosemary....She'd just been to see her cardiologist and that doctor told her that she should think about having..........

Guess what??

Gastric Bypass!!

Hallelujah, I don't have to do this alone......

I feel like a caterpillar..... Waiting for the day when I will cover myself with silky threads and take a much needed rest.....Changing, growing, becoming......And on the appointed day, I will emerge from my asylum and the old Lisa will have faded away, to be replaced with a more efficient, more able butterfly Lisa with gossamer wings and the glory of God will finally teach her how to fly....Something she has never ever done before.....something, she's only dreamed of......

My life as a caterpillar hasn't been easy!! Always larger than everyone else.....Discriminated against, called names......treated as if I was always second best or not nearly as good as everyone else....Yeah I know, waah waah waah, yadda yadda yadda....Put on your big girl panties and get on with your bad self, right??

MmmHmmm...Exactly!!

Finally, for once in my life, I will not be bound with this body's chains of limitation. My course is set, my path is clear.....I will not be moved!!

At first, Rosemary and I chose a doctor out of Stanford, for our surgeries, but Rosemary called on them yesterday and was told that that doctor no longer does this surgery! So we've decided on Dr. Ara Kashishian, out of Delano (between Fresno and Bakersfield, in Tulare County). He has a very good reputation and Delano is a whole lot easier to navigate than San Francisco. We've gotten quite used to smaller towns!! Rosemary already has insurance, so she was able to make her consultation appointment right away!! I called the surgeon's office this afternoon and they called me back about half an hour ago....I am going for my consultation appointment on the same day as Rosemary, June 28th. I am overjoyed that I get to do this with my friend. This makes things a whole lot easier and less scary!

Anyhoo, enough with my rabble!! Everything here is great! Mariah is doing well in school and Mark still loves his new job! I'm still here, working on scrapbooking and making paper beads. One thing I have been able to accomplish in the past couple of months.....I've got my dish washing under control....A HUGE achievement for me, because I hate the dishes!! Now, I just have to find a way to get my clothes to fold themselves and I'll be right as rain!!

I'm going to be using my blog here, to chronicle my weight loss journey, from start to whenever. It's important to keep a journal for this type of thing, I think. It won't all be about gastric bypass...there will be other things. I am still just a caterpillar, but I am looking forward to the day when I can fly......

Love each other as He loves,
In Him,
Lisa

Come, Holy Spirit, I need you......

Hi-dee Ho, Blog fans....
I've missed a couple of days....Had a couple of set-backs, but no worries, I'm still strong and on track....Learning to bounce back has never been my strong suit! I've always been okay with letting things get to me, letting things take me down and leave me broken and bleeding.....Not now, though!! It seems, the stronger I feel, the harder the enemy fights to bring me down....I'm not about to let Satan's grimey hands ruin everything I've been trying to accomplish.....everything I'm working so hard to attain!!

So here's how it all went down!!

Friday morning, Mark and I get up at 5:30 am (after having gone to bed at nearly 2 am) and we get Mariah up and rolling towards getting to school. Just before she leaves, I was commenting on how many programs Mark has been recording on the DVR and he looked at me, from the computer and told me that if I didn't like it, I was free to leave....that I knew where the door was and how to use it. In one sentence, the enemy had me in chains, broken, bleeding and nearly destroyed. The one thing I fear, above having to leave my home and return to the home of my father, is Mark forcing me to leave my home and our marriage like he tried to do, back in 2007. The six months of emotional estrangement I experienced with Mark was the second most trying thing I've ever endured. The words he said, which were straight from the mouth of the enemy, brought back so many unhappy and terrifying memories of infidelity, hurt and abandonment! I cried for a long time, thinking about what he'd said, all those years ago. When we went back to bed, after Mariah went off to the bus stop, what's the first thing that happened? I dreamed that Mark's ex-girlfriend Terri had taken a knife and cut up my face, leaving me to bleed, while she and Mark stood there and laughed at me. (Terri was the person Mark was planning on replacing me with, after he forced me to leave my home and my life) I let the enemy bring me down, but I didn't divert from my food plan and I still got myself to the gym, after Mark went to work and I did my full 30 minutes on the bike! When I asked God what He wanted me to learn from this, His answer was very clear.....Lisa, you need to learn to love yourself, despite the world around you and you need to FORGET.

Last night, Saturday, I got another blow from the enemy!! I went outside late, to take the dog out, just before bed and I heard our neighbor, Shane, yelling at his seven year old son, Robby. He was angry. Angry yelling terrifies me, beyond all thought.... Apparently Robby'd lied to him and he was mercilessly posing question after question to the little guy....."Why did you lie? Why do you always lie? Lying is wrong, why do you do it?" and Robby cried and pleaded back to him...."I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Daddy, I won't do it again, I promise!" I don't know if he ended up spanking the poor kid, I had to go back inside or face getting sick all over my front yard. The memory of pleading with my own father, to remove the threat of the beating I would undoubtedly receive or at least lessen it's severity, was fresh in my mind, as if it were happening then and there, to me....I hurried inside to Mark and fell into his embrace, weeping and shaking....He promised me, that as he was my partner and my love, he was also my protector...that he would never allow anyone to hurt me, like that, again. As I went upstairs, to get ready for bed, I asked God again, what He needed me to learn from this......God always answers my seeking and I was not surprised when He said...."Lisa, the past is gone, best just forget it....Leave your protection in My hands and know that this is for My glory" I was surprised though, that the first thing that happened, as I fell asleep, in bed was that I woke up, after just having fallen to sleep, to Mark throwing my hand off of him, as I dug my fingernails into his side. I dreamed that I was on the floor, in my childhood home and my father was standing above me, beating me with is belt.....Even though I was frightened, I had had it, clear up to my eyeballs with this trickery and rot! I wasn't taking this anymore....I started to sing, in my head, " Come Holy Spirit, I need you....Come Sweet Spirit, I pray....Come in Thy strength and Thy power....Come in Thine own gentle way." I felt the Holy Spirit descend upon me and I fell into sleep, easily and was not troubled by anymore scary dreams.....

These past couple of days have been a bit on the difficult side, for me....Having to stand against the assault of the strongman....Having to face my most terrifying fears and memories was not fun. But, through it all, I didn't turn to my false comforter, food.....Both times, I called upon the Lord and He sent His healing rain. I relied on Him, for His strength....Both incidents, this weekend, have proven to me, that the need to forget my past is strong. At church today, I asked Pastor Dave, if I could resume my counseling and he said I could....I'll see him now, Thursdays at 1:30.....I know that I am in for a long haul with this, but it has to be done! I can no longer let the tragedies from my past determine what and who I will become in the future.....I will no longer relive the past and I cannot allow those who mistreated me, broke my spirit and my heart, stole my youth, my dreams and my hope...to steal the joy that I feel as a wife, a mother and servant of the Most High. I will not allow it!! The lamb has become the lioness and she is highly honked off!!

So, my prayer for Friday was to get through the weekend, without cheating! I made it! We went out to eat at Perko's on Saturday night and I was so proud of myself....I stayed on my plan and I didn't have to spend an arm, a leg and two eyeballs to do it!! I need to remember to carry my liquid Stevia with me, when I eat out though....I hate black coffee and since I cannot have caffeine, Nutra Sweet or sugar or any sort of powdered sweetener, my choice of drinks is rather limited!! I can have decaf or water.....Here at home, I drink decaf Ice Tea with Stevia or liquid Splenda or Shasta soda..Grapefruit, Root Beer and Creme Soda....all caffeine free and sweetened with Splenda....I can also have Diet Rite and Hansens, but Shasta is cheaper...we got it for $2.58 a twelve pack at Food for Less. I have a difficult time on the weekends...Mark and Mariah are both home and I don't want to hold them back, because I cannot eat what they can and I don't want to feel left out because I cannot eat what they can. This time, though, I stayed strong and I kept my resolve.....I put my trust in God and let Him hold me up and keep me strong...I forgot what it felt like to cheat and I forgot what it felt like to fail. I was happy to finally feel what it was like to succeed. What a sweet sweet feeling....It was truly a healing rain!

I am looking forward to this next two weeks. Mark is back to day shift, so we'll have him home in the evenings. I am starting counseling again, so I don't have to shoulder this burden alone, any longer and I have a whole new week of learning, ahead of me.....Please remember me, in your prayers.....

I hope this weekend has been good for each one of you.....

Love as He loves.....

In Him,
Lisa

Cherish the Treasure

Good Evening, O ye Webbie friends......

I apologize for the late post.....Mark is on nights, this week and I had some things to do, this afternoon....Then with making dinner and eating....So here I am! Bright eyed and bushy tailed!! The muscles in my arms, shoulders and chest are threatening to stage a coup, if I continue to work them out, so I'm in a little bit of pain. I welcome the pain, though, it's a reminder that I was faithful in my commitment to working out, everyday! I am feeling really good!! I have stayed on my food plan for almost three days, now and my appetite has calmed, quite a bit, along with my mood. This evening, I discovered the joys of jicama. Jicama is part of the radish family....When you see it in the grocery, it's ugly...the size of a softball and covered in a rustic tan peel. Lemme tell ya, this stuff is good. Crunchy and slightly sweet, it really made my boring "shrubbery" salad come alive. I really want to go and eat the rest of it, but I'm learning self control, so I have to put it away and save it, to enjoy another day! I want to tell you, also, about a company called Walden Farms.....They make things like salad dressings, dessert sauces, condiments and jams; You can buy some of their products at Raleys. All of Walden Farms products are calorie free, fat free and carb free.....I love their ranch dressing, their strawberry jam spread, their peanut butter spread and their marshmallow dip. I actually have the girls at The Country Store, in Sonora, order whatever I want....The items they sell are on the pricey side, but a little goes a long way! I wasn't fond of their ketchup or barbeque sauce and their chocolate sauce was so-so....It's nice to be able to have jam on my flax muffin, in the morning.

Okay, well on with the good stuff.......

I am reading Neva Coyle's Free to Be Thin and applying the principles to my weight loss journey.....I cannot use her food plan, because my body just doesn't do well with a low-fat, carbohydrate rich diet. I can though, use her principles......


What do you treasure?

I've had to think about that a lot, lately! Food has always been a big fat treasure chest for me.....I love to touch it, cook with it, eat it and serve it to my friends and family......When I was unhappy, food would cheer me.......When I was lonely, food kept me company.....When I was bored, food gave me something to do.....When I needed praise or recognition or acceptance, food was the vehicle.....I lived for food! You know what though....food didn't live for me! It never dried my tears, never completely soothed my mind or calmed my fears....It doesn't keep me safe and it won't ever forgive my sins! Food was my treasure and my false god.


This is what the Bible says about treasures......

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:34


My treasure was food!! This was a sobering thing for me to admit! I want to have the heart of Jesus, not a heart of Twinkies......I want to have a heart of worship, not a heart of Sonic Cheeseburgers...... I want a heart of praise, not a heart of jelly donuts!! Not only was food killing me, it was keeping me from a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father. I used to think that I was doing okay in my walk.....I had my challenges, but who doesn't? But, in reality, I had a huge stronghold built up with bricks made by Betty Crocker and McDonalds......

I have been in this place before!!

Last year, I did really well, with the Atkins program and working out, but I traded all my hard work for take-out and let the devil convince me that I was happy how I was. That stronghold tower that I have been building, all my life, was never destroyed completely.....I just started adding bricks and the higher it got, the deeper I fell, into the pit! Only coming out to add more bricks, I resolved in my mind, that I was just going to have to accept this as how I was....That nothing would ever help and that I was not worthy enough, not even to myself, to ever even try. I was a failure.....I was a horrible wife, a bad mother, a terrible friend.....Every condemnation that Satan whispered in my ear, I believed! I've been hearing negative things about myself, since I was eight years old, why should things change? I was doomed and I accepted that!! I was devastated, but couldn't reach out.....The stronghold I was building was reinforced with pride and with shame......

This morning, while sitting on my stoop, looking out at the beauty of the morning, I realized something. I am a treasure!! I am God's treasure.......His gold, His jewels!! He loved me so much that He sacrificed His only Son, to save me! So that I would shine, in His glory! Not tarnish......So that He would never have to live, without me, instead of burying me in the sand and forgetting me. Today, I had to seriously look at where my treasure lies......It lies in my salvation! In the matchless grace of Jesus.....It is my need to serve others.....It's in the hearts of my husband and my daughter......It's in the way I love and the things I say and do.......

I am now striving to free myself of the burden of food! I am learning to eat to live and not live to eat.....I am learning that people will like me or they won't....a chocolate cake isn't going to change that.....I am learning that the words of condemnation I've lived with are just a weapon of the enemy, to kill, steal and destroy.....I am learning to pray about the choices I make, before I make them and to listen to the voice of my Savior......and I am learning to believe that there is a worthy treasure, here in my heart.....

Today has been a perfect day, for me.....I hope it was for you, as well. I wish you all my best and I'll see you on the flip side.....Love each other as He loves.....

I will stumble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved. I will make mistakes, I will face heartache, but I will not be moved....On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand....I will not be moved.
-Natalie Grant

In Him....
Lisa

Today I will Celebrate

Good afternoon, my friends,

Today I am struck with the need to celebrate! I'm joyful today and I just had to share that!! Our God is really an awesome God!

Psalm 30:11
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

Those of you who know me, know that I am more of an Eeyore, always looking for the gray clouds and the rain.....I want to be a Tigger....So overcome with the joy of the Lord, that I bounce! Well, not literally, bouncing for me, gives a whole new meaning to the words "Shake, Rattle and Roll". I want to be the kind of person who inspires others to find the joy......In this world, with the economy and the state of our lives, homes and families, it's hard to find joy! Trust me, it's there, you just have to believe and look for it. For me, as a submissive wife and mother, joy is getting Mark ready for work....Making sure his lunch is made, his clothes are clean and his coffee is perked. It's being here for Mariah, when she arrives home from school, making her dinner and listening to her, when she has something to say.....To me, joy is serving others, seeing to the needs of the ones I love, so that their lives are full and they lack for nothing. And though there are days when I just don't feel it, there is joy in dirty dishes and piles of laundry. We just need to have the right perspective. The Bible says to count it all joy! ALL? Yes, all....

James 1:2-4 (New King James Version)

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.

God is really impressing on me, today to look at everything in my life with joy! Really God? Everything? Yep! Everything!! Okay, Okay "Joy to the dishes the soap has come"

.....and not only does God want me to find joy in everything, but I have to celebrate it, too.....

Wait a daggone minute, here! You mean I have to celebrate, too?? Yup!! What could there possibly be to celebrate about washing dishes.....Praise the Lord, I have dishpan hands? Somebody call Madge the Manicurist!! Perspective, here Lisa! Find the joy!!

Okay, lets put this into joy's perspective......You have a family, who gathers at your table and fills their empty tummies with food from those dishes at the same time, they're filling their spirits with the love that you give while preparing and serving that food.....You are surrounded by those who love and need you. That's joy......I remember watching my grandmother wash her dishes and clean her house, when I was young.....She always sang hymns, while she went about her chores.....She was joyful and she celebrated by praising the Lord, even in the midst of dirty dishes, carpet sweepers and Windex.

Joy and Celebration, that's what life is all about! Imagine what the world would be like, if we all found joy in the things that we have to do each day.....How many lives would be changed? How many frowns would become smiles? What would it be like if all our crying was transformed into dancing? Jesus is that Joy! When we give our lives and hearts over to Jesus and are one with His plan and purpose for our lives, then that joy just bubbles out...affecting everything we say, do, think and feel. It's as if the morning has a whole new meaning!! A brand new day of celebration and joy!!

For me, today, joy is staying on my food plan!! It's getting out of the house and driving down to the gym to exercise, even though I am sore from yesterday's exercise and would really rather stay here, in front of the computer......It's believing in God enough to believe in myself and give myself credit, where credit is due! I'm celebrating rebirth.....forgiveness...salvation....and the love of God!

Join me today.....Be joyful, Celebrate.....Change your perspective! Love each other as He loves.....

I've got the joy, joy, joy down in my heart.......

In Him,
Lisa

Finding my own Everest....

Good Evening, Webbie Friends.....
It's been a while I know and I apologize for that!! I have been at war within myself for the past six weeks or so! I have been outta touch with just about everyone in my life....My self imposed exile has taught me a thing or two about my life. Number one...I am not a failure. Number two....losing a friend hurts more than a thousand beatings. Number three....You have to start somewhere. To those of you who I might have hurt, in our time apart, I am sorry and I ask your forgiveness! I am not going to explain to you, what brought on my heartache.....those of you closest to me, already know and I am trying to put the whole fiasco behind me, where it belongs. It takes time and patience, but I'll get there....a journey of a million miles still starts with one single step!

Here's what I have to say......

Number one.....I am not a failure!!

For as long as I can remember, when I think of my childhood and early adulthood, I was told that I was a failure, that I'd never amount to anything and that I would always be a failure. I heard this from my parents, my siblings and my grandparents. Tell me, how can a person believe in themselves, when all that's been pounded into their heads for so long, was how horrible they are and how much of a screw up, they've become (were/are/will be)? The odds are not good!! I began to believe that about myself!! Every time I cheated on my food plan, every time I didn't exercise or go to the gym, every day my house remained a sloppy mess.....I was a failure, doomed to live the rest of my life, the way my family predicted! I believed them. I let them steal my joy from me...my hope, my dreams... So, this past spring, I gave up! If I can't stay on my food plan, why even try? If I can't remember to get to the gym or exercise, even a little, why even worry about it? I was content to let my diabetes take my life, little by little and the eventual result would be me, going to heaven to live in paradise, without any reminders of how much of a failure I'd been, in my earthly life! Well, me out of control where food is involved, is not a pretty picture! I've gained over 60 lbs......In less than a year!! I hated myself for it! In my mind, I was the most disgusting creature ever created!! I have seen the end results of women giving up, in my family.....It's not a pretty or pleasant picture! It's painful and it's sad. It causes other people to hurt! The other day, I came across this scripture....“But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."Isaiah 43:18-19 (NLT) I have to forget? Really God? You want me to forget? Can I forget? Am I willing to let go of the excuses I use to not have faith and strength? Lemme tell you friends, when you seek, with an open heart, God will provide you with those open doors......This is a pretty cut and dried commandment!! I've realized that I don't have to be a failure...That God doesn't see that, in me....He sees only my potential! So from today forward, I say Get thee behind me, failure....You're not living in my house, anymore! I wash my hands of your memory and I forget how you've made me feel. God said it and I believe it and that settles it for me!!

Number Two....Losing a friend hurts more than a thousand beatings!
This holiday season, I lost a friend! Not lost as in they moved away or passed away...Lost as in we argued, words were said in anger and out of hurt and frustration and we parted. When I realized what I'd done, I wrote my friend a card, apologizing, asking forgiveness and granting forgiveness.....I had really hoped that my dear friend would respond, even if only by written word....But she hasn't and I miss her, so very much! Apparently, I was not important enough to her....That she doesn't love me as I love her. Pray for me, as I continue to grieve over the loss of my sister in Christ. She is still dear to me and that place in my heart that was her, will always feel empty. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Number 3....You have to start somewhere.....

Today, I set out, once again, to climb my Everest. My weight bothers me and it keeps me from doing and being everything God has planned for me. I am an addict! I am addicted to food! Like narcotics and illegal drugs, food is poison to me. Well, not all food, but a big part of the food I love, as a diabetic, is!! It calls to me....It lies to me....It makes me believe that it's my friend and will cure all of my hurts....I don't mean talking Twinkies, but you get my drift.... I have seen the devastating effect of gravid obesity first hand! It kills...slowly and painfully. Society is not kind to fat people, either! People stare, make hurtful comments, pass judgment and discriminate. I know that God accepts me, for who I am....and I know that there are people in my life, who love me fat, skinny or purple with green spots sporting two heads and a peg leg.....My beautiful and talented friend Laura.....my angel Bebe.....my outspoken sister in Christ Pat....My wonderful husband and my daughter.....my purloined older brother, Pastor Dave.....my soul sister Gloria...My oldest and dearest friend Rosemary. My weight only describes me, it does not define me!! I am strong and passionate about my place in the world....I am willful and stubborn, I love to sing and listen to people's stories! I love deeply and forgive quickly.....I love to smile and laugh and make other people smile and laugh! Like Transformers, I am more than meets the eye! My friends, it is time! This is not what God has planned for me and I'm only interested in His best, for me and my life and the lives of those who will be touched by mine! I'm back to low carbing the Atkins way.....I stayed on plan, perfectly, today (Yay me!) and I went back to the gym, this afternoon. I only stayed for a half an hour, but I went and that's what's most important! This is my Everest. The tallest and most treacherous mountain I will ever climb....the most harrowing journey I will ever take!! This may be a climb for me, but the view's great and in the end, I will touch the top of the world!!
Everything around here is great!! Mark is working the night shift this week, so it's just Mariah and myself here, in the evening. I like the quiet and the opportunity to spend quality time with my daughter. She is so full of light and mirth, she makes my heart happy....she makes my feet want to dance!! God has blessed our family abundantly and I continue to praise Him with honest thanksgiving, for everything He's blessed us with....Thankfully, the bills are almost all caught up!! Mark is still in love with his job!! He calls it his dream job, the job he's waited his whole life to have! I am so very proud of him and his accomplishments! For the first time in a long time, we are taking a family trip....At the end of February, we are going to spend the weekend in Midpines at the Yosemite Bug Rustic Mountain Resort....My good friends Shay and Michael Black (two of the three Black Brothers...) will be playing (they're Irish folk musicians) at The Irish Fest Weekend, held there, at the resort! We're all looking forward to that....I hope there's not too much snow! Mark and Mariah both have birthdays next month, so we decided to take a trip to celebrate! We haven't had the opportunity to see Shay and Michael since the Calaveras Celtic Faire in 2007.

I apologize if I've been long winded....I'm trying desperately to become undiscombobulated and I have a lot on my mind.....Anyhoo, enjoy your evening and love as He loves!!

In Him,
Lisa

A TIME FOR TOUCHING HOME.....

Good Morning, blessed friends and family......

Guess what?

It's raining again! Whoo Hoo!! NOT!!

Don't get me wrong, I love the rain! But see, I have to go out and drive in it, today and if you want instant idiots, all you have to do is add water!! Thankfully, my errands are all in Sonora....I don't even wanna think about what it's like in the Valley or beyond! At least my list of errands is not lengthy....a trip to the Grocery Outlet and then a bit of shopping at one of my favorite thrift stores....Then I can come home and start my holiday baking.....At least my house will be warm, this afternoon.

Mariah was talking to her mom on the phone, yesterday and it was 80 degrees in her part of Texas and Mariah and I were both jealous! Then again, I think I'd rather have my amber hills and green grass over 80 degrees in winter, flat terrain and sagebrush, any day, thank-you very much.......

Christmas is almost here.....Is everybody ready? I'm not....but I will be and things will be good!! Mark is off work, on Friday and for the first time, in 10 1/2 years together, we won't have to rush and rush to get to Grams for our Christmas Eve gathering. That's going to be nice. For a lot of years, I worked retail at Christmas time and would watch people rush and rush.Christmas
should not be a time for rushing. It should be a time for touching home. The home of our youth, the home of our hearts and the home of our time yet to come.....The home of my youth, at Christmas time, was always busy.....My father loved to bake and at Christmas time, he did that a lot....The Christmas tree was always brightly lit. I remember waking up on Christmas Day and because our house was so small, I could look down the hall and see the reflection of the lights from the Christmas tree and I could hear Daddy laying a fire in the fireplace, so we would all be warm. That's when I knew it was okay to get up......Christmas time in the home of my heart is quite different.....Our house is still small....smaller even, than the house I grew up in. There is still much baking going on, in the days before Christmas, but we take things slower, around here. We don't like to rush and rush......When we were first married, we would drive to the Bay Area on Christmas Eve, celebrate and then drive all the way home, just to get up and do it all over again, on Christmas morning. We don't do that nowadays......We are content to celebrate with my family on Christmas Eve and then on Christmas Day, we hang around, here at home....we might go see a movie and then I cook a very traditional Christmas Dinner. We take the time to remember why we celebrate Christmas......the birth of a tiny baby, who would die to save us.....We give thanks for the ultimate gift of love, so freely given by God, just because He loves us and couldn't bear to live without us! I never treasured that gift as much as I do, now.....Christmas was about the tangible things we presented to one another...the useless frippery tied in pretty ribbons and colorful paper.....And Lord forbid if we didn't get what we wanted or asked for.......Back to the store, the next day! I've remembered what God did for us, on Christmas, since childhood....But I didn't treasure it until I saw "The Passion"....Seeing a real depiction of what Christ went through, as a human man meant for a divine purpose really struck me hard......I just never realized! It's now an honor, to get up, on Christmas morning and just say Thank-you Jesus, for coming to save me.....I am so not worthy, but thank-you for loving me, anyway.....Imagine, the love of God sent from paradise to live a human life, wrapped up in a tiny baby, cradled in a mother's arms.....protected by a human father.....How can you not celebrate this? I was helping my friend and her mother decorate their house, for Christmas, a few years back and I asked her why she didn't have a creche and she answered, telling me she liked to keep the religion out of Christmas.......Huh? I can't wait to spend a Christmas in Heaven. I'm going to sit on a cloud and listen to God sing.....I'm going to get to hear the angel choir, firsthand! No more useless frippery.....No more disappointed relatives.....No more nasty fruitcake!! I think Michael Card sums it up, for me....In his song "The Final Word"...makes me cry every time I hear it.....Here's the lyrics.....

You and me we use so very many clumsy words.
The noise of what we often say is not worth being heard.
When the Father's wisdom wanted to communicate His love,
He spoke it in one final perfect Word.

He spoke the incarnation, and then so was born a Son.
His final word was Jesus, He needed no other one.
Spoke flesh and blood so He could bleed and make a way Divine.
And so was born the baby who would die to make it mine.

And so the Father's fondest thought became flesh and bone.
He spoke the living luminous word, at once His will was done.
And so the transformation that in man had been unheard,
Took place in God the Father as he spoke that final Word.

And so the Light became alive and manna became Man.
Eternity stepped into time so we could understand.

Here's the YouTube link.....The video is kinda crummy, but turn the monitor off and listen to the song......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_idg5Xxy6kE

Powerful, powerful words....

Well the time is come and I must get on with my day.....I will post again, before Christmas, so no final wishes now.....

Go out in the rain, today.....Jump in a puddle....Dance....Feel the love of God, as it pours down from heaven and then go inside and drink a cup of hot cocoa......Love each other as He loves, smile much, laugh often and love completely.....
Have a great day,
In Him
Lisa

I'm dreamin' of a wet Christmas,
Just like the one we've got outside,
Where the tree tops'r drippin'
And the blacktop's a glisten'n
Because, it's rainin' cats and dogs......

(Yes, I made that up, all by myself....It's okay, you can laugh, I did)

Well, it's still raining outside!! At least, for the moment, the wind has died down! I love the rain, but I really don't care for the wind. Our house is on top of a hill and we really get whipped around, when the wind kicks up. It puts a damper on the holiday spirit, when you have to worry about chasing your garbage can lids around the neighborhood and having to go out and stand your mailbox up, for the umpteenth time, in the driving rain, just plain stinks.....I guess it's a trade off, though! We have almost zero crime, we have decent neighbors and we're surrounded by the splendor of green grass, tall trees and wildlife.....though if the local wildlife doesn't leave my basil plant alone, I'm seriously thinking depredation.....Really, listening to the wind literally roar, for three days straight kinda gets on my nerves! Right now, I'm thankful for the quiet and the morning and the rain.
Mark got out and on his way early, this morning.....Today starts two weeks of day shifts. He's out at Travis AFB, in Fairfield, learning something new......I can't remember what he said he was learning. He'll be there from 8 am til 2 pm! He loves his new job so so much!! I praise God for that, daily. He was working so hard, with the other job, with little recognition and his pay was so not commensurate with his skill and ability! He's stated time and time again, this is his dream job!
Mariah is off for Christmas Vacation, this week and I'm happy about that! I don't have to be alone, all day! Keep Mariah in your prayers, though.....Next week, she goes back to her mother and step-father in Texas. Her step-father is very hard on her, he teases her about her body and is very sarcastic and childish in his behavior. Our job, as parents, here in our home, has been to foster only positive attitudes towards our daughter. To teach her to be a kind and thoughtful woman....Strong and God fearing!! We only build her up and never ever tease or poke fun.....She has a good home here and we love her for who and what she is! Her family life, there in Texas was totally unsupervised and reprehensible. Thankfully, though, she'll only be gone for the week.....She leaves out on Monday the 27th of December and we'll pick her up at the airport, on New Years Day!
As for me, I am looking forward to getting things ready for our Christmas holiday.....We are going down to the Bay Area, on Christmas Eve, to celebrate, as we usually do, with my family, at my Grandma's....Christmas Day, we're going to hang out, here at home in the morning and then, in the afternoon, we'll go and see a movie....Mariah really wants to see Tangled, the new Disney movie. I don't care what we do, as long as we are together! I haven't started thinking on our Christmas Dinner menu......I figured Mariah and I could do that tomorrow, before we head to the grocery store.....My Christmas Eve baking isn't cemented in stone, either.....I need to talk to my Auntie Michelle to see what the plan is, for the evening.....I'll probably make a huge lasagna and then my usual cookie and brownie tray......My cousin Ginny has to have her snickerdoodles and a death sentence will be handed down if I don't produce Mint Filled Brownies for my sister......I'd really love it if my Uncle David and my Auntie Kay are there, on Christmas Eve.....Out of all of my Aunts and Uncles, they are my favorites!! They are special to me, in so many ways and Christmas Eve isn't as memorable, without them there! There always seems to be something missing!
It's kinda hard to believe that the year is almost gone! Where did the time go? Things have been wonderful, for us, this past year! We've struggled, but the struggles gave way to rejoicing and I'm so thankful! To stand at the fount of God's blessings, is one of the most satisfying places to be. When I look around, I see that we live in a little tiny house (love grows best in little houses) in a little tiny community (Where everybody knows your naaaaaame...) far away from our families (over the highway and through the slums, to grandmother's house we go) and we are happy! We are raising our daughter in a safe place.....We have fresh air and good land. We have the love of God, in abundance and are forever in His care and we have each other. So yes, I am happy, in my little house, where love grows......I am happy in my little community and I am used to everybody knowing my name.....I am happy living on a hill, where the wind whips and the rain comes down and the locals chew on my sadly pathetic basil plant......This is my Beulah!
My thoughts have been kinda all over the place, today.....I'm going to go back to bed and remedy that! Sleep is the best thing for a fractured mind!! Please forgive my mindless wandering and have a wonderful day.....Remember to love as He loves and be kind to one another.....Smile much, laugh often and love like there's no tomorrow......
I love you all, my blessed friends....
In Him,
Lisa

For the Love of a Momma's Girl.....

Good Evening, my web bound friends and relations.....

Yes, I know it's been far too long, but you know me, I tend to go in spurts.......A spurt here, a spurt there....It's all good, though, because I love you all, whether I'm blogging or not!

Let's catch up a bit, shall we?

Things have been a whirlwind of prayer and rejoicing, here in our home! Mark was laid off from the job he held for over eight years, on November 5th.....Yeah, I know, right before the holidays....that kinda stinks!! I, being the worrisome person that I am, nearly had a triple coronary! But God is faithful and His promises are real! My friend Heather posted on my facebook that where God closes the door, somewhere he opens a window.....a really sweet sentiment from a really wonderful woman of God. I prefer to think of it as God closing the window and opening a door.....A really important door! Mark was home for a month. It was a good month, because I got to have a lot of wonderful time with my husband. A luxury we didn't have, too often, when he was working at the other job. I complained about him being in my hair, but I wouldn't have missed the time, for the world. Well, we applied for Unemployment Benefits and got those, without any problem.....though on Unemployment, we were making over a thousand dollars less that what we were, before. Mark started calling a bunch of people he met, through the other job and found a company called AC3. Within three days, he was interviewed and hired.....Within a week, he was working and loving it. He's making better pay and has better benefits....He's absolutely loving his job and I am so proud of him!! I am also very thankful to my Heavenly Father, for seeing us through the hard times and not ever leaving us to fend for ourselves......Mark and I both clung to Romans 8:28.....believing that God has a plan and a purpose for our lives and our testimony.

Mark is doing really well....He's on the building committee at church and he's also serving as a trustee, too. Recently, he and another church member, painted the floor in the fellowship hall and it looks quite spiffy. He loves getting to spend quality time with Mariah.....

I celebrated another birthday.....I turned plenty-two, this year......Yeah, I went there, sue me!! Life as a wife and mother is really satisfying and enriching for me. I am just in love with my life and my Savior, who makes it all work together for good!! I am ecstatic about finally getting a washing machine....Mark's friend Mike's son moved into a new home and gave us the washer and dryer that were in the unit.....After not having a washing machine, in my house, for over 2 years, it's like a miracle has happened!! I can do one load at a time......Whoo Hoo!!

Mariah is awesome!! She's doing well in school and loves her friends, her church family and spending time with us. She is truly a joy to parent and a joy to watch as she blooms from childhood into womanhood.....I really do stand in awe of her, sometimes. Just when I think she's never listened to a thing I've said, she does something....uses one of my idioms or quotes me verbatim and I have to believe that she truly does belong with us. She's smart and beautiful and she has the sharpest brain, I have ever seen!! She did inform me, though, the she is going to wait til I'm 45, before she starts calling me "Geeze-ette" (the feminine of Geezer...a name she calls her father) and that's a load off of my mind!! Mariah will be going back to Texas, the week after Christmas....to spend New Years with her mother and crew. She's not thrilled with the idea, but she's taking it in stride.....I am glad her mother is going to home the entire week, as I don't think it's good for Mariah to be subject to the scathing nature of her step-father all alone.

With Christmas right on our heels, we are thankful and rejoicing with Him, fully and completely. Though there is little (if any) money to spend on gifts, this year, at least for Mark and myself, we are anxious to spend Christmas Eve in Castro Valley, at Grammy's house. Yes, Mark is getting paid, but all of our bills are behind, including our rent....Praise the Lord we have a wonderful Christian landlord, who is patient and understanding.....Loving even, with us!! While we won't have gifts to open, on Christmas Day, we have the love of each other and the love of our Heavenly Father, who gave us the ultimate gift.....So for us, this year....Christmas will come without packages, boxes or bags and like the Whos down in Whoville, we will still sing and we will still be thankful for the love came down......The true gift of Christmas.

So that's what's been happening, in the past few weeks/months.....

So on with the show.......I had the best dinner and conversation with the worlds best daughter this evening.....We talked about food, we talked about love and we talked about accepting ourselves and each other, without judgment or negativity......Mariah her Daddy's girl.....but she's fast becoming a Momma's Girl, too. Nothing could make me happier....not even winning the lotto!! I finally know what unconditional love feels like, tangibly! It brings to my mind, 1 John 4: 7 and 8......Beloved let us love one another, for love is of God and he who loves is born of God and knows God, for he who does not love does not know God for God is love......This is real unconditional love.....No pretenses, no rules and no guidelines.....It's either a 'you do' or 'you don't' type of situation. I love the simplicity of love, as portrayed in this verse. It's cut and dried, hands tied behind the back, truth....Either you love or you don't know God. Daily, I try to teach Mariah about love......but I blew it, this weekend, when I had an argument in front of her, with someone I never envisioned arguing with.....No, it wasn't Mark, she's used to seeing me argue with him.....What it showed me was that I need to stop putting self first and start putting love first......in discovering this and praying about it, it seems to me, that sometimes, I parade my love around with a clanging cymbal.....Wanting and needing everyone to see and notice, instead of just loving to the bottom of my heart, without any expectation of notice or recognition.....It is my vow to begin loving without pretension......without seeking recognition and just love like He loves....freely and unconditionally......No labor of love is in vain.

Well, our time together, at least in this place, is coming to a close....Please pray for me.....there will be no candlelight Christmas, for me this year and I'm completely torn up about that......I'm pretty much feeling like the song from "The Grinch" called 'Where are you Christmas?' There are just too many things left unsaid and I have to get right, before they can be.....Anyhoo, love each other the way He loves......

In Him,
Lisa

Breakfast with Mark

Good Morning Friends, Neighbors and Countrymen...lend me your ears.

Starting the day with one on one quiet time with my hunny is something I haven't done in a very long time. Taking that time to reconnect as partners and friends meant the world to me, this morning. Mark took the day off work, today, so that he wouldn't be late for Mariah's back to school night function, tonight. We got up together, this morning, when he could have just as easily stayed in bed and let me get up to see our daughter off to school.....but he got up too!! After she left, he asked me for coffee and breakfast. So I made him some sausage and french toast and coffee and we sat at the kitchen table and took our meal together. I honestly loved spending the time with Mark. It made me feel loved and special...needed and appreciated. It felt good to begin the day, at the table, with Mark, meeting his needs and allowing him to meet mine.
It's a beautiful day out, today.....I am wondering if I can get the love of my life to take a walk with me, or something, just to get out of the house, for a time....Maybe get some exercise. He's asleep on the couch right now and the fresh mountain air would do him good! I'm glad he gets to rest a little bit extra, this week. He works so hard, to support us. I am so proud of the man of God he has become.

I had another great day yesterday....I overdid it at dinner, with my calories, but I asked for forgiveness and I forgave myself and today is a whole new day. I am really good at being negative with myself and I need to change that. Yesterday is gone....no matter how much I try, I will never ever be able to go back and change another thing about it. I can only go forward, learn from my mistakes and try again, today!! I'm not giving up....

Well, I had better git to the housework. It's not going to clean itself. I'm sorry that it's short today...I haven't a lot to say....My challenge to you, today is to tell someone three things you are thankful for....and I'll tell you mine, right now.....

1. I am thankful for Mariah's hair all over the bathroom sink, because she is here and not in Texas.

2. I am thankful for Mark's snoring, because he is beside me and not somewhere else.

3. I am thankful for dirty dishes because I have had the opportunity to serve my family and warm them from the inside.

Tell someone you love them today.....It means so much to hear it.
Love like He loves....
Blessings in Him,
Lisa

Good Morning, Sunshine!!

Okay, so it's Tuesday and here I am, in my cave, writing to you, my beloved friends.......

Again, I am home bound today and happy about it. Firstly, because I am still getting used to having to control myself around food.....and secondly, because I just don't feel like going anywhere. It's one of those biologically female days for me....not my best days, for sure. I did well, yesterday!! I was faithful to my program and I kept to my calorie goal of 1500....Actually, I was under by 30 or so calories. I learned, yesterday, that a bag of Orville Reddenbacher Smart Pop Kettle Corn has only 20 calories for the entire bag!! Whoo Hoo, snack food!! I learned that I can sit and watch TV without stuffing something in my mouth, in the evening. I learned that when I am productive, I feel accomplished and seeing the look on Mark's face, when he walks in the door to a freshly cleaned home and a plate of hot dinner, after work, is worth more than a day at Disneyland....Yeah, I went there!! (with that statement, not Disneyland, though I would like to go) I was happy with the choices I made and I'm looking forward to giving my diabetes back and flushing all of my pills, when I reach my lifegoal.

So this morning, I had two fried eggs (fried no stick with cal free spray) and two pieces of whole wheat toast with Smart Balance and a cup of decaf with creamer (chemical cow) and a shot of sugar free Almond Roca syrup. I had 370 calories for breakfast and I feel really good about that. God is a great weight loss partner....lemme warn ya, though, when you're partners with someone who knows EVERYTHING? Ya pretty much have to listen to what He says.....and then ya gotta do what He says. I know that God loves me and that when my stomach growls and I ignore it or when I feel like I cannot go another minute without that scoop of ice cream,but abstain anyway that is God, reminding me that He loves me. Yes, I said reminding me....When I want something and deny myself, because He's said NO, then it's victory for me....and I feel it as victory. I know that He's said NO, because He loves me and wants the best for me and for my life. You see, the food means nothing.....It cannot dry my tears or make me feel better about myself. It cannot keep me company or love me when I feel unloved.....It cannot comfort me, when I am hurting and IT CANNOT FORGIVE MY SIN. It's just food!! I have placed food in the place of my King, because all of the things that food cannot do, God, my Heavenly Loving Father, can and does. He's promised to meet me in my faith and persevere with me, til the work is done. Philippians 1:6 (New King James Version)⁶ being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; He is able, my friends, He is able.....

So today, I am having my coffee and my quiet time and I loooooove the scriptures of 1st and 2nd Chronicles....lots of really good life lessons, there. God has really just impressed on me, this scripture, from 1st Chronicles....Consider now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a temple as a sanctuary. Be strong [in the power of His might] and do the work. (I Chronicles 28:10) So I read and I read again and I consider and I consider again......
Remember what I said about being partners with someone who knows EVERYTHING? Well that would apply here.....I need to build a temple.....Huh? Obviously Father, you've forgotten about my mad skills with the hammer and why no one will let me have one, anymore.....I really can't build a sandwich without making a big mess....What do you mean, build a temple? Ohhh I get it...build my temple....my temple of the Holy Spirit.....The next part of the verse brought me to tears....."Be strong in the power of His might and do the work" No mincing words there....Looks pretty straight forward to me.....So, You and me, Lord....and thinking back to the eighth chapter of the book of Romans....If God is before me, who can come against me? TWINKIES?? Get thee behind me!! MC DONALD'S DOUBLE CHEESEBURGERS?? In Him, I am stronger!! Lemme stop before this becomes a bitter diatribe, with me, rebuking all of my favorite foods....That would take waaaaaaaay too long. I needed to hear those things today and I'm hoping that this will help another person, today, to chose life and victory over food.....Faith is the victory, food just tastes good!!

So another day of domestic bliss and blessedness for me.....I am hoping that all is well in your corner of the sky, today. I'd like to say Thank-you to my awesome friend Laura, who left me comments on yesterday's blog.....You are a great encouragement to me, my sister!! I would like to challenge each of you who read this, to look for something sent specifically for you, today, from God.
Love each other as He loves.....
Blessings in Him....
Lisa